⚠️TW⚠️
The urge of addiction and relapse is ripping me apart i want to relapse so bad but i cant i finally made it to 6 months sober i'm doing so good confidence is a struggle again. everything is going wrong. trauma nightmares are happening again. i'm starting to miss my ex best friend again oh god what toxic people can do to you i miss our memories we made. i miss the coke incident. i miss doing each others make up. i miss our long night talks. all of that is thrown away now. i get over it. i wish i was prettier. i hate the way my body looks. i hate my birthmark on my face. i hate panic attacks at school. i hate being useless. i cant focus anymore. im sick of it. 3 people are keeping me. K, A, and M. i hate having to lie to my therapist. I get really trust anyone anymore. My irl friends ignore me. None of my irl friends answer me. I hate having mommy and daddy issues. I hate the way they threaten me. i'm in so much pain. i hate my dad more then my mom. i hate having to fake a smile. i need a break from everything. from life. from myself. i have the urge to run away. i wish i had someone to just run at and hug. i need everything to just stop. i'll never my skinny enough. i hate falling in love. i hate having to fake being happy. i need a hug. i need someone to just hug and cry with. sometimes i feel like everyone hates me. i hate remembering my SA. I was only 13. And it was by one of my closest friends at the time. I was in 8th grade. I hate how i would vent to them and they would say "idk what to do" then they would write a full paragraph for others. Why not me? Everything was better when I was with my ex. Though i wasn't fully happy. I haven't been truly happy for 6 years. i'm almost 15. no one noticed when i was at my lowest. school is ruining me. I've been beaten, coacked, slapped, kicked. All my ex friend who SA. What is the point of hanging out with my irl friends they'll ignore my anyway so. When i was with my ex best friend they promised we would be friends forever. It's so painful to look back at our texts. I ruin everything. I break everything I touch. I hate get angry over the smallest things. I'm failing school. i'm sorry. i'm so truly sorry. i know i shouldn't feel guilty. i'm trying so hard not to relapse. it's so hard. i'm so tired. i'm trying to stay cause i dont what my friends to have to watch sunsets to find me. i hate addiction i wish it never happened. i was 9. 9 having a pill addiction. i'm trying to get better trust me i'm trying. i'm sorry i'm so truly sure. i'm so tired. i'm so close to relapsing so fucking close. i hate my body so much. i hate having to cover my birthmark on my face. i'm trying so hard. i'm trying to get better. school is breaking me. that's why i skip. i don't wanna be here anymore i'm miserable. but i'm staying for those 4 people they know who they are. i need a hug honestly. but i hate physical touch. it's like a wave crashing and knocking me over. i cant get up and if i try it just knocks me over agian, and again. i miss them. i truly believe i was my happiest true self when i was hanging out with them. it's hard to let them go you know. i miss them. if i could stay in the days i was hanging out with them i would. i would stay in the time forever. i wish i would've talked to them more. i miss them so much: i need them so much right now. i've cried ever night since we had spilt up. i hate remembering the memories because when i remember them. i hurt more. they were truly the nicest people. the street we spilt up on is haunted by all the good moments. i can't believe i relapsed again.
