Longing for Lullabies [l.t]

1

"Dear... diary?

Man, this is fucked up.

But my psychologist said I needed it so I will give it a try.

Here I am, sitting curled up against the headboard in my bed with an old pen in my hand that I found in one of the drawers. Isn't it quite amazing, that you, as a human being, are capable of writing down your feelings? It's not my cup of tea, but if it will help me - I will do it.

I saw her today, again. Well, I've seen her a lot nowadays but this is the first time you will hear about it. Should I call you something or just stay with Diary?

Let's stay with Diary, for now.

Anyway, this girl... She's such a beauty. She's pretty tall, almost taller than me. She's got those perfect curves and long, wavy hair in a pretty dark brown color. If that isn't enough her face is decorated with a pair of big, chestnut inspired eyes.

I'm feeling like a huge creep while writing this, but I can't help myself. She's been running through my work place almost every day for two weeks now. I work in this small post office in my home town, Doncaster, and she's always catching me off guard when she comes running in, clearly stressed and speaks with a fast and stuttering voice whilst she's almost throwing her pile of letters over me.

I suppose she's working as an assistant. Who would else send away almost ten letters every now and then?

I've seen her so much lately that I still can smell her perfume when I walk into the office. And still, I haven't found the guts to talk to her. Nothing. All I'm doing when I meet her is to give her my daily wave and nod to almost everything she says.

Nobody knows about this. No one, only you. I'll keep it that way, at least for now.

What am I even supposed to say with this? "Hello, my name is Louis and I'm secretly in love with a stranger?"

No way. No. Fucking. Way.

Well, I can tell you a little about this psychologist I'm seeing. She's really nice, her name is Ms Walter. Quite funny, isn't it? I bursted out laughing the first time I heard her name, I mean, isn't Walter a name for a man?

Although, she didn't laugh at it as much as I did but I didn't care. It was the first, real laugh I've heard from myself in many months. It's quite unbelievable that I was because of her last name.

Well, it was fun talking to you. Me.

Oh and by the way, I've found the perfect name for you.

Kelly. I've always loved that name, it's so beautiful.

So goodnight Kelly, sleep tight. Maybe we'll talk tomorrow too.

/Louis"

The next day, I woke up all drained in sweat from my latest nightmare. It wasn't different from the others at all, and if it were a difference, I bet I wouldn't notice.

I got up from my bed and waddled through my bedroom with the bathroom as my final destination. On my way, I glanced over my shoulder to look at my big watch placed over my bed. Half past four.

Early as always. A big pain in the ass if you ask me. To wake up this early when you're not needed at work until eight o'clock sucks.

I undressed quickly and jumped into the shower, feeling the hot water against my damp skin. It was a revealing feeling, even if it made me almost numb after a couple of minutes.

I tried to not give my inner demons any attention while showering. It was my weakest state, after sleeping of course.

After the shower I started to dress slowly, not wasting any precious time.

The only benefit about waking up early was that I could enjoy my morning coffee in peace. Take my regular morning cigarette with my cup of coffee in my hand, sitting on the balcony and look at the beautiful view over my city.

When the coffee began to brew, I took a seat at my table and sighed loudly.

Another lonely morning.

Well, please. Don't think of me as the loneliest person in the world, I'm not.

I have a lot of friends, most of them from my younger years like Liam, Zayn, Niall and Harry. We used to hang out every day, it was amazing. But then I got this job and I'm always too tired when I come home to meet them.

Yeah, they get disappointed. I know that. At least I'm spending my weekends with them, that's good right?

When the kitchen turned silent, I moved my way over to the coffee machine and took my usual, beloved coffee cup that Niall gave me a couple of years ago. It was a really pretty gift, I mean I use it every day. I poured some coffee into my cup and grabbed my cigarettes, which rested on the sink. With small steps, I walked through the kitchen and out to my balcony. I took a seat in one of the two chairs, grabbed a lighter from the table and lighted the cigarette.

I inhaled the chemicals slowly, trying not to think about how it destroyed me from the inside and out. It was a calming feeling, I loved it really. I took a sip of my coffee while I rested my head back on the house wall. It was a pretty cold morning, but I didn't mind.

I loved it. After my regular dreams I always wake up damp and gross, feeling the cold air brush against my skin in a soft breeze - it was heaven. I promise.

***

The hours went on pretty fast, and soon I entered the office just to be greeted by my colleague Anna. She waved nicely at me and gave me a friendly smile, which I returned quickly.

"Good morning Louis. How was your weekend?" I sighed quietly as I took place in front of the reception in the middle of the room. Anna used to sort the mails we'd received and would send away, so the only time we had to chat was directly in the morning, before the lunch rush started.

"Yeah I guess. Nothing different really, I've just been spending time with the lads. And you?" She blushed softly while she looked at me, turning her face away directly as she saw that I was already looking.

"It was fine, thanks." Then she disappeared behind the "Staff only"-door and I was left alone, again. Not a surprise really, and I shouldn't complain. I enjoyed the silence in the office the minutes before we opened.

When the clock showed eight, I stood up and walked over to the door, to turn the sign from "Closed" to "Open". My eyes caught her, almost running down the street in her high heels.

She wore a black, beautiful pencil skirt with a grey blouse, and on top of that a pair of black heels. Her hair was pinned back against her head, letting her dark curls rest perfectly against her back. She looked stressed, as usual. I hurried back to my seat behind the reception desk and just like I thought - she entered the office with a sad and disappointed expression on her face.

I caught her brown eyes with my blue one and she sighed loudly, letting a beautiful pink shade enter her cheeks. She walked over to me, and placed a couple of mails on my desk.

"Can you post these, please?" I raised a brow at her question but nodded quietly, taking the letters in my lap in an attempt to stop looking at her.

"Thank you so much. I'm sorry for bothering you all the time but my boss is a very-" I cut her off with my own voice, I wasn't in the mood to hear another brag about their successful boss, husband, brother, whatever.

"It's fine darling, it's my job." She nodded and gave me a shy smile, then she turned around and walked towards the door.

"Have a nice day!" I waved her goodbye as I stood up, making my way to Anna to deliver the mails.

It wasn't hard finding her, kneeing in front of a big box full of letters, postcards and whatever people intended to send. I reached out the letters for her and she took the pile and smiled gently at me.