Voicemails to Will

eighteen ; of fate

We watched The Fault in Our Stars a week later, and I wished I had realized what a huge mistake it would've been before hand.

You didn't have cancer, but it was all the same, Will. You were going down a dark path, one that no matter how much I- we wished, dreamed, or prayed you'd still continue down.

"There's no cure for it," the doctor explained one morning. "He's on some really strong pills to try and slow it down, but there's nothing we can do to save him."

This whole situation brought a new sense of helplessness. Tears streamed down my cheeks as Hazel gave Gus his eulogy, and I hated myself for thinking that I'd have to give you one too.

"Will," I called, tugging on your arm.

"Hmm?" You answered in the same manner with your shaky smile.

I pushed myself off the bed to stare down at you. "I want you to know that I love you, that I love you and that I've loved every minute we've shared together.

I'm so grateful my car died that Tuesday afternoon, and I'm so glad yours was having trouble too. Will, I'm so thankful for you, for your love, your laugh, your everything."

"Eleanor," you called with a light laugh, "I'm not dying just yet, but thank you, thank you."

Your words, and the movie seemed to strike my heart directly as tears weaseled their way out of my eyes and down my steamy cheeks. "Will," I hiccuped, "please, don't joke about that."

Your arms tried to reach around me, tried to embrace me with the same warmth as before, but the cords in you kept you from doing so. I could see the anger in your eyes, and I was scared.

I'm used to happy-go-lucky you. You were always the ray of light in the dark, and now that you were beginning to dim, I didn't know who to turn to.

A stifling silence fell between us as you stopped the movie and held me uncomfortably in your arms.

"Remember Maria?" You asked, bringing up not one of my proudest moments. "Remember how you thought she and I had something romantic going on?"

I nodded, warmth radiating from my cheeks.

"Well she's my nurse. She called because the doctor didn't think things were going too well for me.

And that day on the lake, when I asked for you to pull me up from the water and claimed I ate too much, that was a side effect from the medication.

It's funny, really, Eleanor. I have a disease that's killing me from the inside, and all this medication is supposed to stop that, but it just makes me so worn out."

You were dying, Will, this time from within. The fire and the light in your eyes was beginning to cease to exist, and that sent chills through my spine.