I wanna be yours ♡

💔Always the fool with the slowest heart💔

Fuck the rain. No, seriously, fuck that shit. There was no way in hell, anyone could be happy while watching those sad streaks of piss coming down unto the window while they were listening to music on an old mp3 Player. Somehow, today had been much worse than the other days and she was feeling sad once again. The thing about depression and guilt is, they never really leave ones conciousness alone, they always stick there, waiting to attack once more. That was especially bad, when her husband was out on a run and she was just sitting there alone and sad. Neither Merle nor Simon would turn up to visit her either, the two of them were out and about with her husband. The last few days, she had been showing signs of getting sick and while she wasn't yet, there was definetly a possibility that she would be soon, so they left her behind because none of them wanted to risk her getting hurt in any way or sick. So there she was, sitting on the sofa in front the window, looking out just to watch the raindrops fall down, lost in thought. There were so many things she saw herself guilty for that Shane never knew and never would know. There was no reason for her to tell him and then again, even though he was her husband, he never actually saw her cry over something that was within her control. Somehow, she just couldn't stand the thought of him seeing her for what she was, weak. Neither did he, other than the times they got together and the day he thought she had died, never in this marriage had he expressed anything that could be seen as weak. Even if he did, she was always right there to comfort him.

The thoughts just kept rushing in and she began to loose herself in those memories. The lives she had destroyed, everyone at the time assured her that it wasn't her fault, it didn't matter. She knew she and her stupidness was to blame for it all. The relationships she had caused, forcing the one person to confess just for it to bring distress to the other or the relationship just ending up so bad, that it hurt her to even think she was the reason one of her closest friends even had personal issues. All of it was her fault, no matter what anyone said, she knew what kind of person it was, yet she still sayed insistant she helps them get together. Or the times when she had ruined friendships to people close to her over nothing. There were so many people she hurt out there and there was nothing she could do about it. All of it was her fault. The sadness, the hurt, the pain she had caused just because she couldn't hold back, she couldn't tell those lies of loving someone. She couldn't lie about anything anymore and if that meant being an asshole, at the time, she didn't care. And after what had happend with her ex, she wasn't letting anyone know her feelings anymore. She was willing to destroy anything if that just meant less harm to her. As long as noone knew she was just masking the cool, strong, don't give a fuck attitude sometimes, it was all good. Noone needed to know how much of a sad excuse of a human she could be sometimes. As if all these memories weren't enough, her thoughts also drifted back to her family.. No matter what they did to her, she hoped so dearly that they were allright.

But then again, all she did was cause them distress. If she wouldn't have always been so quick to rage, none of the things would have happend. She wouldn't have been gripped by her arm and literally thrown out of the kitchen, she wouldn't have distraught the rest of the family to a point they cried when her father pushed her down on the stone tiled kitchen floor that Christmas, breaking her phone while some tried to pull him off of her, she wouldn't have made her gradfather cry with her words, she wouldn't have driven her father so far he broke a curtain while having her slammed against it... None of it would've happend. It was all her fault in the end. Even though not everything that happend came to her mind, all of those things were her fault. Every. Single. One. She had caused every member of her family so much pain and all she did was play victim, going as far as cutting up her hip to a point the entire thing was bloody. Somehow though... She missed the feeling of the stings and the warm blood, running down. But she couldn't, she had been clean for so long now, there was no way she was leaving this streak behind over just one day where she was feeling sad. Her thoughts drifted even further down, remembering her grandma, who was an alcoholic back then, how she was leaning over the sink, throwing up while the girl had to finish the glass of wine. In her family, alcohol and cigarettes were always somehow the only things curing the sadness that was life. Noone knew if it was just her being the oldest granddaughter and daughter of her mothers side, but she had been told all of the family secrets. People always entrusted her with everything, she had been told things, that nobody else knew.

All of those thoughts finally surfaced after she had made sure the car didn't pull up in the driveway, sobbing her heart out, while snuggled up in Shane's shirt. She did not deserve that man. He was perfect and she was just.. What was she? Definetly nothing anyone could be proud of. Shane deserved someone better than her, there were so many other women, prettier and more perfect than her in every way. Her mind couldn't fathom how someone like him could love her. Finally, after all those years, she could show her weaknesses, even if it was just to herself. She could finally cry out her heart about it. There was one more thing, that would forever haunt her. One of her relatives had called her over to his house, telling her "Hey, don't tell anyone about this okay? This will be our little secret." after he handed her an easter nest. When she left, he jokingly grabbed her ass and all she could do was sob. When she told her mother about it, she was fuming, but after she had finished yelling at the man, the truth rose up. The woman was the only one who got an easter present, which was why he made all those comments. It was just her fucked up mind. And before she could bring up the courage to tell him she forgave him, he passed away. That man, wherever he was now, had no way of knowing that she wasn't mad at him, all he knew was that she thought he was going to rape her... All while he just wanted to give her a nice gesture. Ever since then, she had hated easter. A lot.

The sobbing into the pillow just wouldn't stop. She was so caught up in everything.. All her thoughts, all those feelings.. that she didn't even notice the front door open and the three men, coming into the house. Upon seeing her, curled up and sobbing, Shane was the first to come up to her, softly putting his hand on her shoulder, concerned as he had never seen her break down like this. The others followed suit, asking what was going on, all of the men almost starting to cry as well, she had always been funny and sarcastic, making quick jabs whenever there was a sad situation. None of them had truly seen her break. Except now. Once she felt the hand on her shoulder and heard the voices, she jolted out of it, quickly stopping the tears from coming, not being able to face her husband or her best friends. "We.. we brought you.. We brought you energy drinks.." Merle was the one speaking, not even he could joke at the state the girl was in. To everyones suprise, she just looked at them and grabbed each one by their collar, pulling them into a group hug. For some reason, this time around, it all spilled out. She told the three men everything, having to make breaks for sobs or her voice just breaking too badly. Shane and Merle started to sob in unison with her while Simon just tried his absolute best not to, looking at her in disbelieve. All of a sudden, Merle pushed both her husband and Simon away, while he hugged her so tight she thought her bones would break under the force, but she hugged him back just as tightly. Merle understood to well how she felt and it just hit him way too deep in his heart. All three of them assured her, they wouldn't let any of it happen to her again. Simon and Shane talked quickly, deciding to leave Merle and her alone for a second, as they were sobbing the hardest, plus, both of them had to go into another room, where they both collapsed on the floor bawling as well.

Once they were gone, Merle finally spilled his trauma as well, making her hold unto him even tighter until he decided this awkward standing hug was too much, kneeling down in front of her, with her sinking to the floor with him. After everyone was finally calming down, all four of them decided to built a pillow ford on the ground and to put one of her comfort movies. Simon even made a quick trip to the Sanctuary to get Popcorn. So now there they were, Simon and Merle on the sides, while she was laying on top of Shane, with him softly kissing her cheek, telling her how goddamn much he loved her and cared about her. The heavyness started to lift from the room with the silly thriller they were watching, soon becoming the lighthearted chaos the group was known for, joking around and throwing popcorn at eachother. And this time, they all decided to have a sleepover, falling asleep after pillowfights were had, the popcorn was empty and the sun was already close to rising. Shane gripping his wife extra hard in his sleep this time, the music they had put on just softly playing in the background, almost making everyone forget what happend.

"The convinient truth is..
Light is on the way, we'll be having a fun time
It's such a lovely day, we should pocket the sunshine
And never give it back, even if there's a heat wave
Or terrorist attack, it will just be a close shave" ♡