I have an addiction to fantasizing about girls. An addiction to fantasizing over people I should more than likely never get. It's fun to imagine an entire scenario in your head of how you and said person would fuck, and what it would look like. What they would look like. What I would look like. I blame women though because every girl I want to fuck is probably far too good in the looks department for me, which isn't hard. But why the fuck do they feel a need to stand high and mighty on a pedestal whilst I sit in despair over my dreams of fucking them. I am one depressed fuck, and my ego is far too big to handle. I've never been "clinically" tested for depression or anything, by the way. But, do you need to be shot by a gun to know that it hurts? I don't think so. Doctors went to the extent of either blaming the weather, which is quite a shit excuse considering how England is, or telling me to go and exercise. Neither of which were helpful. Aren't these the fucks with PHDS behind them? What the world is coming to then, I guess? This depressive state goes as far as one suicide attempt, but I may touch on that later on. I enjoy people boosting my ego, I almost feed off it in a way. They pour their hearts out in compliments to you, and you soak it in, knowing that that's what they should be doing anyways. For every girlfriend I have had, I've made it a perhaps subconscious mission to get them to be obsessed with me beyond belief. I would try so hard to make it happen, especially at the beginning of everything. Don't get me wrong, I'd have feelings for them too. I would be so head over heels for them at the beginning, but slowly and surely the feelings would just fizzle. They would essentially die in front of my very eyes, and sometimes this would happen without any form of explanation to me. It's an interesting cycle. I can't even say that I am mad at it because at least I have managed to bask in this period of being in these head-over-heels feelings and everything else. I had an ex a while back but then broke her heart without any remorse or guilt. Pretty certain I celebratory got drunk when I got home.
I'd keep people around to have something to do, I guess. I couldn't tell whether or not I was bored or just addicted to the process of everything that came with it. Every little aspect on a repeat. It would be like watching a movie over and over again, but not realizing that you are getting bored of the same thing happening in each viewing. They were all hooked to me, obsessed, and even after myself and the girl would finish, they would be so confused as to how they were still thinking about me and talking about me months and months after. It is simple. Because of obsession. Caught into a web of being fascinated by charm at the outset of when we were together. I do find it interesting though, to be honest. Some of my exes, I would still jerk off too long after we had split up. Some of them I wouldn't get off to though, I don't think they deserved that compliment and a half. How sympathetic of me, isn't it? I never had to choose to jerk off to these people, but I did.
Before you think anything. No, I am not in therapy. People who go to therapy in my perspective are ones who just need validation that their souls are dead. They already know just how fucked they are, they just need someone to resurface how low they are. The advice they give them after they share their issues is what they get paid to do. It's like teachers, for example. They don't care about you, or anything about you. They just need you to get a good grade. Why may you ask? It's their job. That's what they're supposed to do.
The thing about this though with these girls is I would also grow a desire to want to fuck all of their friends. Well, perhaps not all of them, but the ones whom I would add to my list of fantasizing over and my desires to fuck. It would be like a cycle of which one I would want to fantasize over, like a wheel. Each one would get picked, but the circle rotates. Like contestants on a game show. Why any girl's friends I have been with in any capacity wouldn't ever try it with me whilst or after me being with their friend, is genuinely beyond me. Again, it all feeds back to this ego. Maybe I am so much of a depressive that I feel like I deserve these things on platters, and in some cases, I do on the surface think this. But, I do try to trick myself into thinking out of this. There isn't fun in that though. I was hurting these girls, emotionally. My hypocritical ways would work in such a way that if they were hurt, they were hurt. However, if I was hurting, then I would hope they felt bad about it. I played on this a lot. I found that when you meet a girl, you can charm them enough so that they have an interest in you. However, you then need this balance of being loveable and bad enough to them at the same time. It is easier to get your way on things then, or at least I think it is. There isn't any joy whatsoever if nothing goes your way, and if it is their way most of the time then you are having to compromise everything. It is a lengthy and tedious process, to say the least. Why wouldn't I just make sure that someone can give me my way almost every single time? I don't want anybody to be comparing me to Joe Goldberg, by the way. Considering that we are nothing alike. He is a psychopath and a murderer, and I am neither of those things.
