I Don't Feel Lucky (Queen of the South)

Part 1

He didn't feel lucky! Really, James? He had been so lucky, he had no idea how much! Teresa could still hear his low pained voice with some grumble in it. Well, she felt lucky he had returned to her, to warn her of danger, and even luckier he had survived. The best part was that he seemed to have forgiven her for Phoenix. Yes, she felt lucky, no doubt!

Teresa glanced at the clock on the wall. It was past midnight, more than ten hours after he had regained consciousness and talked to the team.

She hesitantly stood up from her arm chair and silently walked to his room. He most likely was asleep, the doctor had said he would need a lot of rest. Why was she there? She didn't know and although she took a second being determined to let him be, but as her heart ached to say things left unsaid, she realized it was no use, she couldn't hold herself. She found herself walking in and standing at the door watching him sleep.

She sat on the side of his bed, and maybe it was the closeness or the imperceptible movement, but he opened his eyes, and his face showed a ray of light upon seeing her. Then he quickly looked around the room to see if they were alone. No wonder after all of them had accosted him as he had woken up from surgery, she thought.

"It's just me", she said softly.

He nodded, grinding his teeth in some discomfort as she put her cool hand on his warm forehead only to confirm he was not feverish. She exhaled and said in a low tender voice, almost a whisper: "So... you went back to Finch after what he did to you in Texas, to us in Phoenix...". The thought he had sacrificed himself, had sacrificed a year of his life, and the chance of being together; the thought he had taken risks and killed people under Finch's command had not left her mind for one second since she had found out the truth.

With profound pain in his eyes, he said in a similar low voice: "I had no choice."

"You went to protect me...protect us?" the words were coming out on autopilot.

He cleared his throat: "I've told you... I'd do anything to protect us!" True, she remembered him saying this when they still worked for Camila and back in Phoenix when they ran their own operation.

She wanted him to share more, she realized she wanted him to tell her he had not left her because she had not trusted him, so she went on: "You could have told me..."

"Would you have let me go?" he asked.

She just shook her head 'no' because she had felt so desolate and so guilty when he had left. She would have never let him go to Finch! As if the night of the winery siege, that had not been clearly established!

James smiled feebly: "So you see... that I really couldn't tell you...because I wouldn't have been protecting you?" His logic was cement!

"It wasn't an easy decision", he was saying: "And it's entirely on me ...and the option of you going after Finch had I told you...sounded like a suicide mission...", his voice trailed off. Teresa exhaled as no words came to her and the silence felt heavy. She caught herself fidgeting with his sheet.

James obviously felt the heavy lack of words himself and decided to go on: "Please....tell me you understand...you might not be able to forgive me...but I need to know you understand...please!"

She wanted to respond, but could only shake her head as she felt her eyes watering: "I thought you left me!". The one thing on her mind finally came out as her voice cracked a tiny bit.

"I realize how it would look...", his hand touched hers.

"And feel...", she added.

"And feel...", he agreed sadly: "But it was the only way to protect you....And we both know it's never been only business between us." It sounded like she should have known that he could not leave her, but how was she supposed to know?