hold onto me - m.c

i

Dear Michael,

I wish that I could tell you how I'm trying to stay positive and that I am trying to think about my future and that I know that you are somewhere better now but I can't. It has been two days since your funeral and I miss you so much it hurts. I can't stop shaking. I don't know if you watched your funeral from above or whatever but I really hoped that you didn't. I don't want you to see my like that, I was a mess. Still am if I'm honest. You were not only my rock but everyone else's as well. Nat isn't coping very well which is pretty understandable. She has been sleeping in your room lately and every time I walk past there I can hear her crying. The boys miss you. Luke tried to write a song about you today but he just couldn't do it. He sort of dissolved into tears and threw is guitar at the floor. Someone told me at your funeral to start writing to you, they said it would help, I'm not 100% sure how.

You would have liked what I wore to the funeral, it was your favourite t-shirt, you know the one that I always wanted to take. I guess I can now huh. Michael, I need you to know that you were, still are, my rock and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. My life is a blur of words, colours and 'I'm sorry for your losses'. Remember that day that you and I stayed in bed the whole day, I think it was the day after I found out Calum had hooked up with that chick from the party, and we watched movies and ate ice cream and you told me that no matter who hurts me, it would never be you and no matter how bad things got you would always be there for me. Mikey, where are you now? I know this might be selfish of me but I need you, I need my best friend. People tell me that it gets easier as the time goes by but honestly I don't understand how that could be true. I feel as though my heart is ripped out and that everything is this deep black hole of darkness. If only I had been there, to pull you back from the road, to stop you from walking in front of the car, then maybe just maybe you would still be here. Maybe it would have been me instead of you.

Calum misses you. He won't say anything to me but he cries himself to sleep every night. He misses you more than he wants to admit and he tries to stay strong for everyone but sometimes it just gets too much. You were like a brother to him.

Nat has moved in with us and she is sleeping in your room although most of your stuff is gone, your parents came and got it. Luke finds it too hard to stay in the house a lot of the time so he has moved in with his girlfriend; I think her name is Sara. He still comes and visits all the time though. Ashton is the one I am most worried about. He hasn't moved from the couch all weak and has been drinking almost 24/7. He is always asleep or drunk or crying. He was sober for your funeral; I just want you to know that.

I don't know how to help him or help any of them when I can't even help myself. I went out for coffee with your parents and that was really nice, it was like spending time with a little part of you. Don't worry about them I promise that I will check up on them whenever I can.

I miss you Mikey,

Love Indie