Letters to My parents

July 3rd, 2021 - The First One

Dear Dad,

This was our day. I think my love of fireworks is hard-wired to my love of spending the day with you. Now as an adult I think people are quite surprised with my knowledge of firework code for Jefferson County, but growing up with you this was as fundamental as potty training. We would spend the whole day if not multiple days before going to Indiana and our friend in Goshen who gave really good deals on fireworks. You started letting me handle the negotiations when I was about five years old, I was darn cute and you knew that that was a pretty effective measure of getting a good deal seeing as you had succumbed to my persuasion techniques quite regularly at that time as well. As I got older you let me take the lead on more and more of these sales and everytime you would just sit back and look at the guy I was talking to with a look of "good luck buddy." As I got older and our relationship became more complex in nature I knew no matter what the circumstances, the day we would go firework shopping was going to be one of our best for the year. When it came to lighting we always went down to our neighbors at the end of the cul de sac so we could light for a bigger audience and we would not be left with all the clean up by ourselves. You would always let me get the first pick of the fireworks I would want to even over the teenage boys who were dying to light the big ones. Although you stressed the importance of smart firework practices to me at a young age I know you were not always the poster dad for how young you got me involved. I will say though that when my pants lit on fire when I was nine you did very calmly and quickly tell me to stop, drop, and roll. Which meant I only ruined the pants that day.That day meant the most to me and was my favorite day all summer as a kid because of you. Which has meant celebrating it this year has been particularly hard without you here. It is funny, in grieving you, the one person I feel I need the most in my support system right now is: you.

You always had a way of reminding me to never take life too seriously and I have to admit that right now it is hard to not feel as though everything in the world is not serious. I think about all the lasts that preceded your death that I had no clue would be the lasts. I get angry when I think about them being lasts not for the fact they were bad last interactions, but because they were just that — last. I honestly do not think we could have had better last words to each other. We told each other that despite that no matter how we act we could not have cared or loved each other more than we did and we did so in a way that no one would really understand besides us. Which is saying a lot because I do not think we ever understood us half the time. I think this may be why I am most broken that you are gone because the only person in the world who ever remotely understood who I was with you is gone. Yet I am left trying best to convey this complicated and meaningful relationship that was for better or for worse so impactful on who I am as a person.

In wake of your quick passing I promise I have done my best to keep our traditions alive and I have a feeling you would be particularly proud of the deal that I made this year with our traditional firework salesman. Turns out that your death was a really powerful bargaining chip for the man who has seen me grow up through our sales interactions. I have missed you so much these past few days. Wherever you are in whatever comes after this I hope someone gave you a crisp slap of a face and a massive bear hug. You are so heavily missed.

All the love,
As you always calmed me: Smartass