~𝓨𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓼 𝓛𝓸𝓿𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓵𝔂~

Chapter 4

October 9th, 1952

Thursday

Dear Diary,

It has been days since I have gotten any sleep, I wish John would not leave me alone at night, he never sleeps with me in my room. I feel so terribly scared in this behemoth house. The tonics I drink seem to be doing no good. I want to scream at the top of my voice, scream till I am no longer able to speak. I want to go out and run through the fields, I want someone to listen to me, someone who does not look at me like I am a child.

Claire is coming less and less to visit; she is always with John and John is always with her. Yesterday when I was looking down from the window, I saw that the milkman addressed Claire as Mrs. Aspen and she did not bother to correct him. I wanted to shout that I was Mrs. Aspens, I was the woman John married not her. But am I the same woman John married? I seem so different; the mirror shows someone who looks nothing like the youthful and beautiful woman I was when I married John a year ago. I remember how he used to look at me, with passion and love. Now he looks at me with an annoying and pitiful glance. Oh! When did I become a subject of annoyance for my dear Johny. I should hate him being distant from me, and he does actually care for me, he really does. He would never look at another woman. All my pretty dresses that John bought for me in Paris on our honeymoon are packed away, Claire says I might get them dirty accidentally, all I can wear are these plain white gowns. I wish I could be normal again; I wish I did not have to be trapped in this house anymore.

I keep hearing whispers and shadows follow me everywhere. Yesterday, I picked out a book from the library, it was about a woman finding out her husband was unfaithful and in a jealous rage, killing her husband's mistress. I wonder how someone could do that. Sarah says that none of these stories are real, and I shouldn't think about them, that no woman is capable of such and atrocity. I don't think that's true. Why didn't I stab Claire. Just like the woman in the book. She was wearing the blue silk dress that John had bought for me, she kept telling me that I should divorce John as he wanted her not me. So, I did it. I took the knife Sarah uses to slice the beef and lunged it into her stomach, and saw the look in her wide eyes as the soul slowly left her body. It is a pity the dress got stained with her blood, but that's fine John will buy me a prettier one. She wanted to take my John away from me! But I wouldn't let such a thing happen. He is mine and only mine. Conveniently enough the gardener has dug up a space for the new rose bushes right beneath Claire's window, I just had to drop her.

John will never know what happened to Claire, because nothing did happen to Claire. Margaret just had a hysteric episode and ran away. Now Claire and John can live happily ever after.

I am sitting in Claire's room in front of her vanity, staring at the blue floral wallpaper. I wonder if she brushes her hair first or does her make-up first. I take her brush, my brush and start brushing my hair, I must look pretty when John arrives home. I pick up the red lipstick and look into the mirror as I hear shuffling downstairs, looks as if John is here. I must go.

Yours lovingly, 
Claire