Hard to Breathe

"We can talk it over!" He grabbed my hand as I turned, his voice desperate, "please."

"I don't want to, Caleb, it hurts, you don't understand!" My tears threatened to spill over.

Don't blink. Don't let them fall.

"So explain it to me, we can talk it over, I don't care how long it takes, let's talk until the sun comes up!" He gestured wildly to the window where the moon shone brightly over the empty street. The normal hustle and bustle of the day was nonexistent, making the moment more depressing. "Don't run from me, Kianna. I'm here for you!"

My eyes went wide as his sentence awakened an already existing fear. "What if you leave?" The minute it came out I began to shake.

Caleb's face softened. We'd been through this before. "Hey, look at me."

I tried to. I really did. But it felt like my head was stuck in place.

Just look at him. Do it. It's the least you can do. Why can't you do it? You want him to get impatient and leave you? You think he's going to wait until you're able to move your head? The longer you take the less he loves you...

I could feel my breathing quicken as I struggled within myself. I knew all of it was a lie but I couldn't stop the thoughts from swarming my mind like angry bees, stinging at every turn.

It was such a simple movement, just a slow twist of the neck, but it seemed to be the hardest thing to do right then. I could see Caleb fidgeting behind me but I felt like I was stuck in slow motion where every movement proved painful.

What if because I couldn't turn my head he would leave me? What if he thought I was damaged? What i-

I felt his arms envelop me, the warmth of his body against mine.

"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I love you. Okay?"

The pace of my breathing heightened as I realized in full strength how special he was to me. How no one else would ever be there for me like he would.

"Breathe with me." He sucked air in through his open mouth. I could feel his bare chest press against my back.

Concentrate on Caleb. Breathe with him. He's here. He's not leaving.

I took a shuddering breath.

And another one.

I could see Caleb relax a little bit.

What if these breakdowns ever got too much for him? What if he decided he didn't want to deal with them anymore? Wh-

I began to hyperventilate again, worries falling down on me like hail.

"Keep breathing, Kia. One breath at a time."

I closed my eyes.

Focus on the air coming in and out. Focus on Caleb sucking the same air, trying everything in his power to help. He won't let you down. He won't leave.

I breathed in, determined to break free from my mental and physical prison.

I breathed out, determined to stop worrying Caleb.

And I did it again.

And again.

Over and over.

Until finally, finally my chest didn't heave, and Caleb and I began to breathe in a slow rhythm.

I turned my head slowly and looked up at him.

The worry was still there in his chocolate eyes, but there was also a sense of relief. He lowered his lips to mine and kissed me softly.

"You're okay."

And he was right, I was.