Mine Still

The Rest of Our Life

It's been six months since Alex has been gone. I have a new job, I bought a dog, and I've been going to therapy regularly. I haven't had any Alex dreams, and I miss them more than I should. I spend the day with my friend in the park, walking through the lilacs.

My apricot Bichon Frisé, Rosie, is at my feet. We've stopped and spread out a blanket on the grass to have a picnic. As Kyle pulls a beer from his backpack and offers it to me, I take it gratefully. It's a bit warm, and kind-of flat, but it's the thought that counts.

Kyle lies down on the blanket, patting the empty space beside him. I hesitate, but ultimately lie down on my back to look up at the clouds. It's a beautiful day, and I can feel Alex in the breeze around us.

"So how have you been doing with everything?" Kyle asks, propping himself up on his elbow to take a sip of his drink. The sun soaks into my skin, and I start to sweat.

"I'm not good," I admit. "It feels like I've come full circle. I lost my best friend. It's not like he was some boyfriend I met in high school. I grew up with him. From the time I was a little kid, he knew me better than anyone else ever could. He saw the darkest parts of me, and he stayed." Kyle is silent for a moment.

I continue. "Alex was my person. We may not have been perfect, but he was it for me. I can't see myself being with anybody else."

"Do you think you ever will?" I think about the rest of our life. I never imagined it like this. Maybe in a different world, I could see myself being with someone like Kyle. As it is right now, I see no one but Alex.

"I don't see myself loving anyone the way I loved him," I say, honestly. Kyle ponders my words in silence, until the sun lowers in the sky, and we pack up to go home.

Rosie's close at my heels the whole time, right up until bed. As she plops down on my pillow, I give her a kiss. I close my eyes and pray, like I do every night, for a dream about Alex. I take one last look at Rosie before I drift off to sleep.

We're walking hand in hand along a boardwalk, Alex and I. A twinkling carnival lights our path. Our little blonde girl runs up ahead, both of us with a close eye on her in a crowd of people. Alex takes a bite of his mint chocolate ice cream cone and I call him a savage. He laughs. It's so good to hear his laughter again.

Gripping my hand tightly, Alex smiles and squeezes. It feels good to know he's real, here with me in this moment. Could he be? He looks over at me licking my own vanilla cone and I blush.

"What?" I ask. He shakes his head, turning his attention back to our daughter, who's staring at a cotton candy maker with intense fascination.

"I'm never letting go, Ava." My heart feels swollen and happy as I lean into Alex. "I love you, also," he adds, "even if you are clingy." Now it's my turn to laugh. Our daughter turns around to smile and point at the candy.

I never want to wake up...but I inevitably do.