LIKE A PORNSTAR - AN ATTACK ON TITAN FANFICTION

V

The sound of a camera zoom recording plays before an audio of a yipping monkey. Marina yells, "Cuckoo!" I dance with the music's eruption. I twirl quickly, patting my thighs that hump the air. With every lyric, I swirl around in my door-length mirror. I'm wearing a cropped, button-up khaki shirt that reveals my v-line and low-waisted black slacks. My feet are bare on the wood floors, anchoring my swirls.

"Oh Lord, I have been told. That I must take the unforsaken road." I know I'm cuckoo for doing this. Eventually I stop, reaching down to put on my black high tops. I turn the stereo off and take a deep breath. Outside, birds chirp on a branch nearest to my window. I stare out, softly smiling to myself as I reach for my rainbow weed pen. One hit and my body settles into numbness.

In the bathroom, my pants are at my ankles and my ass is sticking in the air doggystyle. I stick the slender nozzle in my hole and squeeze the bulb. Water rushes inside me, warming me from inside. Once done, I hold in the water until I have an urge to release. On the toilet, I do so, grunting from the intensity. I take a breath and crack my neck, flushing the toilet.

Downstairs, I try to leave quietly, but the creaks of the stairs gave me away. Mom is on the couch watching Good Morning Paradis. Her hazel eyes whip to my green, a frown falls on her face. "Are you working?"

I nod. "Yep."

"Which job?"

My eyes scan the living room. "Um, it's a new one."

"A new job?"

"Yes, Mom. I want to make as much money while I'm young."

She nods. "Tell me how it goes." Mom's back falls against the couch. I leave without another word.

An eerie one note plays on my radio until the beat drops and funk goes off. Pharrell Williams sings lyrics I don't pay attention to. My focus is on the heavy bass and wavey guitar. I don't jump in until Katy Perry does. "Don't be afraid to catch feels. Ride drop top and chase thrills. I know you ain't afraid to pop pills. Baby, I know you ain't scared to catch feels." I put on my shades as I leave my dense neighborhood. "Feels with me." I really couldn't care less about Pharrell's part. As I hit the first stoplight, I get a perk for Katy Perry. She has a new song out I really like called 'Smile'.

Record scratches play and she's right on the verse. I don't sing right away as the light turns green. My eyes happen to glance out my rearview mirror, just as red and blue pulls out from an alleyway. I take a deep breath and make a sharp right turn at the next light. I'm going the speed limit, my tags are correct, my license is updated. Yet this fucker still turns with me.

I keep straight down Main Street, passing the tight buildings and pedestrians passing through. Come on, man. I thought. Just pull me over. He doesn't, not for an entire block. We exit downtown, reaching open fields before he flicks on his lights. I laugh, hard. Of fucking course. To the side, I put my PT Cruiser in park and turn off the engine. I dig for my wallet and reach in my department for my insurance and registration. By the time I have everything, the officer stood at my window.

Rolling the window down, I ask him, "Is there a reason you pulled me over, officer?"

The cropped ginger smiles, raising his bushy mustache. "Yeah, there is. Your tags are expired."

I cover my cheeks. "They're not."

"They are. License and registration, please."

My eyes roll as I hand him the information. "How could they be expired? I just had them renewed."

"When?"

"I don't know, a few months ago?"

"A few months? You got them renewed in July of 2019. It's August the next year, son."