Dad x
You haven't been around for a single moment of my life. Reminder; I didn't ask to be born.I've spent a lot of my life angry at you, angry at someone I don't know. It's frustrating I love you. I think you're an absolute bell end I wondered what I had done wrong, why I was not good enough for you. I was supposed to be your "little girl".I needed you and you didn't care. How does one sleep at night not knowing if their own flesh and blood is breathing, eating, safe and secure?I know I wasn't planned, that I was a mistake – a simple blip in time for you. I hope you know that you are the same to me.Thank you for being my first heartbreak. Most young girls have their hearts broken by a little boy on the playground but not me. My "daddy" took care of that real quick.
thank you for showing me that it doesn't take blood to be family! I cannot bring myself to call you my father, my dad or anything remotely close to that. Your sperm donation was appreciated, but it does not grant you any titles.I need to start at the beginning, to explain all the anger I carried around with me for such a long time. I couldn't make sense of a person who had walked away from a small child and who seemed never to look back. All this time, did you ever wonder where I was? What kind of person id grown up to be? Did you want to know if i were safe, happy, or well?the road to adulthood was long and often rocky,but whose wasn't? But it is tough not to have a male role model, someone to look up to, someone to protect you and help pilot you through the adult world. The absence of a father figure affects a lot of the decisions you make. I realise now that not having a father left a big space in my life. I realise now that we all make mistakes. We sometimes make the wrong decisions for the right reasons, and that can have catastrophic consequences. You missed out on on me growing up and setting out into the world.
I've always wanted to say that I love you. But I can't. The words won't come.
you're basically just a sperm donor. I'm writing this for me, so I can let myself be free. How could you have gone 19 years and counting without trying to be a part of your daughters life? You were one of people who was supposed to love me from the day I was born, but you didn't.
You were supposed to show me how a man is supposed to love a woman, but you showed me the complete opposite. You were supposed to be the one person I could run to with any problem I was going through. But instead you're the reason I have so many trust issues and relationship problems. I can't trust anyone nor do I think anyone can love me. Because if my own father can walk out and want zero contact with me, then why would anyone else?So as much as you have fucked up my life without even being in it, you have also made it that much more amazing. Because if it weren't for you I wouldn't have learned how to be independent, or to NEVER depend on a man or need anyone. I learned to do things on my own.
Because of you I learned how important the little things in life are and to take nothing for granted. I used to tell everyone how much I hated you and wanted you dead, but that used to be a cover for how heartbroken I was over you not being there. I used to wonder if you ever thought of me, wished you would call, come visit, write me a letter, anything really. when I met you for the first time. I wish none of it happened. I wish I never let you have the chance to talk to me or even meet me. Because you didn't deserve any of it. I used to want some answers as to why you did this to me.I'm still so much better off in my life than you will ever be. So thank you for walking out and making me that much of a stronger person, and for me finally realizing how much better my life is without you in it. And if anything, I hope after you read this you realize how much you fucked up, how much you lost, how much I do not care about you and I hope you regret ever leaving. You are not a "father" to me and never will be. As harsh as it sounds, you have never shown me what a father truly is. I was better without your help in raising me because I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for you. I have grown to be a lot stronger and more independent. nothing can be changed. You left because you weren't ready and it hurt me as I got older. Now I've come to the realization that I am really much better off without you,but, you have to realise because I didn't have my dad growing up I went through a lot, I went through a heartbreak at a young age! I was 16 thought this boy was my world but he cheated... now then I needed my dad to hold me and say it was okay! Even blew off the most amazing guys for a toxic relationship an abusive relationship... because whenever someone showed me affection I pushed them away.You were never there,you were supposed to be though but you're priorities weren't you're child you just ran off! That don't make you a man that makes you a coward!You messed up you lost out on such a great daughter and I used to always blame myself but now I know it never was my fault, but I still hurt, I hurt everyday because I'm always reminded that I look like you! I'm the spitting image of my daddy!...I thought meeting you would be the best thing ever always wished for that day to come now I wish I never met you! Because trust me it wasn't worth it.And now it's too late,I don't and won't ever need you, because dad you never made me a priority even when I tried to get to know you. You took it for granted thinking I'd wait around on you no I done that for 18 years, 18 years without you and I'll continue to do it again and again! I was waiting for you to give me scraps of you're time or the time of day. I just wanted everyone to be wrong about my dad but they were all right. You're a coward!Its funny because as you were realising you had a daughter I was realising I didn't need you at all.You're not a man you're a coward because any fool can have a child.That don't make you a father.It's the courage to step up and raise that child that makes you a father.You're dead to me... 19 years was enough to see!! In all honesty my fist is you're one way ticket!! Do you remember the birthdays you missed out? You know you broke my heart and left scars not being there right? Do you know the pain it caused me having to answer questions about where my dad is!I used to get teased because I didn't have you around lols.Used to get told I was the reason you left! I blamed myself for years dad!I used to wonder what you would be like but a girl can dream what her daddy's like can't she? But, how can you actually miss someone you met once! Jigsaw piece is complete now cus I know you're a selfish dickhead!But now you're dead to me dad I ain't gonna wait around for you to be ready to know you're daughter!it's excuse after excuse!
