Apricity

25❥Deep Breaths

Enough time passed for my wrist to heal all the way. Our first game came and went. The coach had reorganized us all together and made it clear that whatever was going on between me and Naomi would stay out of cheerleading.

We won our game. Watching Roman in full action was mesmerizing, to say the least. He sure made a decent team player for someone who hated working with others. However, in my totally unbiased opinion, I thought he easily outshined the other boys. Even if he wasn't meaning to.

Roman and I spent time together on routine. Class, lunch, practice, and outside the school for our project. Another Friday rolled by. Today was game day, pep rally day. My mind was in another place when I went to organize my locker.

The sound of my books slamming to the ground echoed off the lockers, quickly followed by the sound of a few snickers from the people around me who just witnessed. I looked up and watched as a few girls who just knocked my books out of my hands passed by. Big fans of Naomi's I assumed.

I heard what they were saying as they passed by, not bothering to talk to me directly, just about me. I picked up on the phrase "attention whore," and felt myself cringe on the inside.

"Axel wasn't enough for her, I guess. She had to go for the new kid too," followed by more laughter. The new kid obviously meaning Roman. I tried not to listen anymore as I bent down to pick up my things.

I knew they would eventually pick up on the time we spent together, I just wished they would have found something more interesting to latch onto.

A few of my folders were picked up by another pair of hands. A light sense of hope bubbled in my chest but it instantly deflated when I looked up and realized who it was.

"The new kid, huh?" Axel questioned with a smirk a little too sharp to be genuine. "What do they mean by that, Sunshine?"

"You should know better than anyone not to trust what you hear from rumors," I mumble as I gather my things and right myself back on my feet. "Not that it's any of your business," I add quietly. I wish my tone sounded more confident, I wish it didn't sound like I wanted to shrivel up and disappear into the tiles beneath my feet.

He doesn't seem to hear me and stands up straight along with me, his height instantly intimidating my space. I reach for the things of mine he still has in his hands, but he pulls them back and out of my reach. "Well, do you? Have a little crush on the new kid?"

I try to keep my gaze neutral, but I still feel the frown develop on my face. When I don't respond, he pushes further. "It's okay Briar, you can tell me." He moves his hand up to my face, but I jerk out of his reach.

"Can I just have my stuff back please?" I whisper. I could feel us attracting the attention of the people around us, the embarrassment of it heating up at the back of my neck. I told myself it was okay, there weren't that many people, only a small handful that still lingered between classes.

"You excited for the pep rally later?" He asks, suddenly changing the subject. He takes a step closer, leaning into my space even more. "It really suits you, ya know? This skimpy little cheer outfit." I feel his fingers there on my thigh, crawling slowly under my skirt before I slapped it away.

He let out a laugh at my reaction. I almost looked around, but I knew that before I had moved it away, he had kept his hand hidden between my thigh and the locker. It's not like anyone would have really cared anyway. For all they knew, I wanted his attention.

I was going to turn away and leave my folders behind, but he must have anticipated it. He shifted into a charming smile and it would have looked like a genuine smile if I hadn't known better. "Here you go," he held my stuff out in my reach again.

I grabbed onto it and pulled but he suddenly yanked it, my grip pulling me closer so he could lean down and whisper into my ear. "Keep your little crush, Sunshine. But if you make the mistake of letting that fucker touch you, it'll only make you exactly what they say you are." He stands up straight and reaches behind me to give my hair a tug. "A slut," he says aloud and shoots me a wink before stalking off.

I feel the tears pool in my eyes but I'm quick to blink them away. Not here, not in front of them. I ignore the laughing from his friends as he walks away with them and adjusts the things in my hands before taking off in the opposite direction.

I can't go to class like this. I don't want to see anyone right now. I can only focus on making sure none of the tears fall and swallowing away the lump in my throat. My breathing picks up and soon I feel like I can't breathe enough.

I found an empty classroom, closed the door with my back, and leaned on it still as I slid to the floor trying to control my breathing. I'm inhaling buckets but they don't seem to fill anything. My nightmares flood back into my thoughts and I'm stuck in the past now. I can feel his hands on me. My skin feels too tight, everything feels like it's suffocating me. I rub my arms so hard the skin goes red, but I don't care. I need to get rid of this feeling.

I take a deep breath, trying to slow it down, and notice that I had squeezed my eyes shut. I open them again and take a look at my surroundings. I'm not stuck in the past, I tell myself. I'm sitting in an empty classroom. With school chairs and a teacher's desk pushed to the wall. I'm by a bookshelf with science textbooks knocked on their sides. I'm not stuck in the past.

I get myself to slow down, take deeper breaths, and think of things that usually calm me down. I think of baking warm cookies and bumblebees in the spring and the sound of rain because it's my favorite type of weather. I think of Valentina and the reassuring words she would say to me if she saw me like this.

And then I think of Roman and that small smile that came just a little easier these days. His smile wasn't cute, it was enthralling. I think of the way he mindlessly twirls the bracelet I made for him and how he flicked my hand away the day I made it for him when I thought he didn't like it.

I repeat those same thoughts in a loop as I rock myself back and forth and I stay like that for I don't know how long. My breathing is normal now and I don't feel the need to rub at my arms anymore, so I just cry and cry until I feel better again.

I finally feel like I can think straight again but I'm so exhausted now that all I want to do is go home and sleep. I text Val that I'm leaving and to tell Coach that I didn't feel well. A pep rally is the last place I wanted to be.

The drive home feels longer today than it has any other day. I get home and my exhaustion takes over as I finally throw myself into bed for a nap and repeat the same words in my head over and over.

It'll be okay tomorrow.

A/N: the urge to publish everything I have written so far is ASTRONOMICALLLL!

However, in doing so, I fear that I may leave you guys hanging for a while again and I'd hate to do that...

So we simply cannot 😔

Ps. (yet I'm still thinking a double update this time around is completely acceptable...)

Pps. (mhm.)