Him

Connection. Sunshine and midnight rain. Or midnight rain and midnight rain?

For whatever reason exists, I undoubtedly feel a certain connection I never felt with anyone. We aren't even that close. You knowing me was actually uncertain. The relationship we have was far from any beginning of other relationships—or rather nonexistent actually.

I was certain it was a mere attraction at first glance. But I never knew it would deepen into something more forbidden and excruciating.

It was unknown to me who you were. I was uninterested. Surely, you were that person who made history. For me, it was plainly that. You even talked, spoke, shared your story, and inspired many during that first day. But it was nothing to me at that time—admiration and awe, maybe; because you were the one who made that history after a century and a decade—the first of your own kind. You didn't actually reach the standard to become that one exceptional being everyone admired, you became the bar.

It was just until now that our paths crossed. I was starstrucked on our first ever meeting, even made saying my name difficult—you were that good. I let myself drown in this emotion. Thinking it was another normal emotion I'd feel now and would disappear later. But who really became a fool? It was none other than me, living in the moment, not knowing it might happen to be a trap.

It was bad knowing you. I learned a lot of things I wish I never knew about you. It was better that way. It was better admiring you from afar and knowing you for whatever traits and stories I hear from people about you. It was all better that way. It was better that way for I would never see and feel this stupid connection between us for all the similarities I see that we have.

I have long told this story to several people I interact with. I liked the gems. Because they were probably me—beautiful but created with a lot of pressure. I admired its field for whatever reason it attracts me. But after this certain event that had happened, this dream of mine wanting to pursue it all disappeared into thin air. And you said, you exactly did too.

I read from an article that you like dark chocolates and novels. I did too. It seems you work hard for your family. I did too. The field you pursued was the same with my mother. And once, someone told me that someday I'd be like my mother. I didn't believe that because the field I wanted was far from her work. But now after things that had happened, maybe I would too.

Your eyes. Your eyes were a whole different topic. I didn't like the way you look at me. I didn't like people looking straight into my eyes like they're reading my whole mind and soul. Probably because I'd been suppressing a lot of feelings as I didn't have any time to process it; but your eyes, your eyes seemingly bore into my soul whenever our eyes meet. And I hate it. I hate the feeling that you'd see my broken soul only you could possibly mend.

My friends see you with your highest achievements. But oddly enough, I don't. I honestly do not remember your record-breaking achievement unless someone mentions it. Because maybe I see you as you. I see you and think of you as plainly you. I have never felt this way with anyone. Not even with my friends nor family. And it's scary to feel this way towards you, because you're that forbidden apple in the Garden of Eve.

It's scary to delve into your world. It's scary to know more information about you and relate its similarities in my life. But today, I saw something written very close to your heart. Hence, this written whatever you may call it.

I wish I could hug you. Comfort you and tell you everything's fine. I could not confirm yet whether we're both in that same position or role in the family. But all I know is that for whatever reason there is, I feel your pain and longing for that something you yearn. I want to tightly hug and comfort you. But I know right now that I can't. Not in this position that we have. So, all I could ever wish is for you to have that someone who'd do it in my stead. As I know being that midnight rain is a tougher job anyone could have.

I don't know where this will lead. But all I'm asking is to have our paths crossed again if ever we're really destined to be each other's sunshine when the right time comes. I hope you'll be happy someday—the line I always say to others I liked, you're no exception. I sincerely wish and hope this for everyone, especially to someone like you.

They say opposites attract. But in the case of someone wanting nothing but comfort as the weight of being the head of the family was passed on to us at an early age, we deserve getting the sunshine that will warm us again after the constant cold of the storm that passed.

It's difficult not to hope for something when fate always played with us. Petty signs they call it but the feeling it leaves have its large impact.

This was a sinful move. Admitting everything was a sinful move. Because I was a mere student. You were the professor.

~
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