I taste nothing but numbers

vicious circle

At first it was trying to be skinny because people told you that you're getting fat.
Then it goes to your eating habits where you try your best to not eat the forbidden food.
You try to not gain weight and try to lose some during your „Health-Journey". That's what you called it.
Next you get a lot of binge eating because of your frustration, hunger and stress.
After your binge eating you instantly regret it and try to throw it up.
You start counting your calories.
You get happy when you didn't ate for hours and then the binge eating comes again, you regret it and then throw it up again and again.
You're trying to sneak some snacks in to your room because you're ashamed of your eating habits and the way how you look like.
You don't want your mom saying „you gained some weight" again.
Then you start asking yourself questions like
„Why am I eating so much?"
„How can I be skinny on the fastest way?"
„Can't I just stop eating?"
Afterwards you start feeling depressed because you gained some weight instead of losing some.
You start hating the way how you look like and start feeling uncomfortable in your own skin.
Then you try to do some sport at home but it doesn't make fun and you hate it so you stop.
You start saying yourself things like
You're ugly
Look at this belly
Ew you're so unhealthy
Lose some weight or fat
Be skinny
Don't eat
Stop eating
Just drink water instead of eating
Don't eat
You would be prettier when you were skinny
No one likes fat people.
Then you're starting to believe those words and you stop eating.
You stopped eating for hours.
You stopped eating for days.
Then the binge-eating kicks again and you regret it.
You start feeling sorry for everything you've been doing.
You start feeling sorry for yourself
Even for your existence.
You start lying to yourself that you're not hungry.
But you know you are.
You start to not eat but sweets.
You ate for days nothing but sweets.
„Yeah i don't eat anything but when I eat like one chocolate bar I guess it's okay only like 120 calories for today".
But you know it's not just one chocolate bar.
You can't control the situation after you ate one.
From one chocolate bar it gets to the whole packet.
You start to hate yourself because you know it's not getting better but you don't want to believe it.
Then you start with sports again.
You do workouts every single day because of the way how you look like.
You think that your belly will go away with these workouts.
People start asking if you lost some weight but you can't see any results.
You think that you look the same.
You want to believe what others says to you but you don't see it in your own eyes.
You tried to stop throwing up but started to do sport after your binge eating. (A different sort of Bulimia)
Your family doesn't see anything about your mental illness it's just about your looks.
They're congratulating you that you lost some weight in their eyes.
You still don't see any results.
You start asking yourself if everything you did until now was useless.
Every time where you want some sweet you try to replace it with gum and water.
You try.
You didn't.
You messed up again.
You try to eat less meals.
Which you did but it didn't still your hunger that's why you eat sweets again.
And when you mess up again and eat just one chocolate bar you can't stop because you think „when I don't eat this all now I'll eat it tomorrow, it's better when there's nothing left for tomorrow so I can start from 0 again."
But the next day your dad bought the same chocolate bar or you found other sweets.
You feel better for eating less because you're scared that when you eat a little more you'll gain some weight. You're afraid of gaining weight because of all the things you've been doing for now.
You start cutting yourself because you think you deserved it.
It hurts but also feels relieved.
You try to not believe how bad your whole situation is.
You don't want to believe that you have mental illness.
You search up on Google for selftests to see if you really have an eating disorder.
Most of the test says you have.
You start to accept one by one.
You're still trying to accept it and try to eat normal.
You try.
You didn't.
You're still trying to lose weight even when people tell you that you're just out of skin and bones which you still don't see it yourself.
But this time you try to do it healthier even when you know you'll mess up again.
At least you try right?
You can't see yourself in the mirror anymore.
You find your body ugly. Not how your body was built like. It was the fat that was in your skin. You hate it.
You start looking for skinny people on the internet to get motivation to not eat.
You want to be skinny.
You don't want to eat anything even when you know that you'll look unhealthier by time.
But you think you can stop after you reached your goal.
But will you ever reach it?
Would you stop then?
Would you just eat normal then, like nothing happened?
I don't think so.
Recovering from your eating disorder is possible. You just have to want it.
If you don't want to recover then you don't need any help.
It's your mind.
I know you don't want to recover because you're afraid of how you'll look then.
You can't accept it.
You won't accept it.
Most of the people just hope it comes out of nowhere.
They think after they reached their goal they can easily eat normal.
But once you start there's no going back that easily.
Then you start going to gym and tell your trainer that you want to lose weight but she tells you that you don't have to because you have a „normal" weight.
I mean what's even normal?
And still you don't see it with your own eyes. You don't believe what others think of you.
You want to believe it.
Every time when someone compliments you about your figure you think to yourself
„When they would've seen me naked then they wouldn't say this."
Because you're only wearing oversized.
Again, because you feel uncomfortable in your own skin.
Even when you're going to sleep where no one sees you.
Even when you're doing workouts at home alone in your room.
You mess up again.
You know it's got you.
You start hating yourself even more.
There's no „self-confident" left.
You end up getting a mix out of anorexia and bulimia.
You think anorexia is better than bulimia or binge eating.
But neither it's not.
You start measuring your wrist by putting your thumb on it and then connecting thumb with your index finger.
Every single night.
You start wearing tight bracelets to see if you gained weight by the time.
To see if your wrist still look the same or if it got smaller.
You start wearing a thick bandage over your belly to sweat more on the spot.
Especially in summer.
You try your best at eating normal but you know you suck at it.
Your daily routine starts looking the same.
-eating no breakfast
-one meal for lunch
-no snacks
-small portions for dinner
-always gum and water
-workouts at home
-mess up again -> binge eating
-regret the binge eating so you do workouts to burn those calories
You start hating it because you know it's not right.
You're afraid of getting binge eating.
You're afraid of getting „Jo-Jo effect" which you saw on the internet.
You're afraid of yourself.
You're afraid of what comes next.
You're afraid of your eating disorder takes over your whole life.
You think the best idea how to handle it is just ignoring it and show everyone that „you're happy."
Which is also a lie to yourself.
You're not happy.
You're not happy about the way how your body looks like.
You're not happy about your eating habits.
You're not happy about how you handle with it.
You know you aren't but to make others believe you, you have to believe yourself.
That's why you try to be happy.
You try so hard.
You think you finally found happiness.
But then you realize it's just an escape from reality.
Maybe it is real happiness.
You don't know.
I don't know.
And then you finally start realizing:
it's an never ending circle.

I'm sorry for grammar mistakes.
The story is finished. Maybe in the future (when there is one) I'll write a whole story.