Nothing Helps | jungkook x bts

It Doesn't Matter

Jungkook wants to know what it feels like to breathe. Not just the inhale and exhale of an anxious breath, not oxygen swirling in his lungs like percolating smoke, not frosted air chilling his throat. He wants to breathe in a way it makes him feel real, he wants to gasp in the night air and feel something. He wants to feel human.

Jungkook so badly wants to feel human. To feel alive.

And dying is the most human thing there is.

He's standing in front of the mirror, eyes unblinking as he stares at the glass with murderous intent. The urge to shatter the wretched piece of reflective glass is growing ever stronger in his fingertips. It almost burns, something hot and itching developing under his nails.

Sighing, Jungkook pinches at the little fat left on his thighs. His eyes are filled with hatred and disgust.

He's always full of hatred and disgust, ready to burst at the seams with it. It really feels like sometimes he'll explode, just splatter the walls in resentment.

Jungkook's body feels unfamiliar, like each limb came from a different person and was stitched back onto him. It looks identical, Jungkook isn't blind, but it feels wrong. And it's the kind of wrong that makes his skin seethe and burn and itch, desperate desires urging him to tear it all off.

But he can't do that.

Jungkook's body had lost its strength long ago. That was evident, his legs barely held him up, bruises littered his figure, hands constantly trembling despite no cold wind passing through him. Then went his mind, now an empty cavern of loathing and repugnance. Jungkook likes to imagine he's human. Although it's more likely he's a physical manifestation of obsession and bitterness.

But Jungkook has to act and pretend to feel like a person to live this completely normal nightmare of a life he's created. He has to experience the regular things and comment on the conventional occurrences. Like what's happening right now.

Hoseok comes back from his trip today; he heard Yoongi chattering about it excitedly to Jin earlier. It's probably the most he's ever heard Yoongi say. It was all so sickly sweet, 'Oh Jin hyung please do make sure you let me know when he gets home!' and 'Do you think he missed me? I missed him a lot. He must have missed me, right?' and on and on and on. Like a broken record he was.

And obviously Jin answered him with everything Yoongi wanted to hear. Jungkook has noticed that Jin is very...careful with Yoongi. He treats him like he's a glass doll, fragile and delicate. One wrong word and Yoongi would shatter. Jungkook doesn't know why it seems that way. But then again Jungkook doesn't know much about anyone or anything.

Regardless, it almost makes Jungkook excited to hear how utterly ecstatic Yoongi is right now. It's like it's contagious: being excited that is. He's barely spoken to Hoseok and yet he finds himself also listening out for his return.

Ears perked for the sound of the door opening, Jungkook sits against his door, legs crossed and fingers intertwined. He must sit like that for a good hour, at some point the sky darkens and his stomach starts to ache from hunger pains again.

But the door opens. And in comes the bearer of bad news.

Jungkook pokes his head out his room and sees Namjoon. And oh god. He knows what kind of smile that is. Namjoon is going to try and say something that will crush someone with disappointment but try to soften the blow. The soul-destroying emotional blow.

"What do you mean he isn't coming home," comes Yoongi's voice.

"Hobi says he got held up in Seoul," Namjoon confirms, "He said he's gonna try and make it back tomorrow but there's no guarantee."