I am Thirteen

NOTICE: this is a very raw and honest and personal story. it may be confronting. 

disclaimer: i do not own any images/music. 

thank you for all your comments/votes <3

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He is fifteen and funny and handsome. I am thirteen and naïve and infatuated.

He also has a girlfriend, and I wonder what I’m doing. I’m not the kind of girl who falls for someone else’s boyfriend. He belongs to someone else, not me, not me. But I also have not fallen for anyone before. At least not quite like this. I had a crush one other time too, but am pretty sure he hated me. He was popular, after all. All the girls liked him. He was funny and handsome just like the boy who is fifteen. Boys like this never associate with freaks like me.

And that is why I am so excited/confused/nervous when the boy who is fifteen starts talking to me. I am timid and think it is some kind of joke, but the conversation with my shiny new laptop’s light fills my face for five hours, and I somehow know this is not a joke.

And that’s how it really started, I think. With five hours worth of conversation with my mother yelling in the doorway to go to bed and my eyes watering from the brightness of my laptop under piles of bed sheets in my black bedroom. 

He finds out why his girlfriend says she is spending so much time with friends. Friends who are older boys with hard faces. I sometimes talk to his girlfriend, and she is perfect and beautiful and oh so nice and the kind of person he should be with. She is also cheating on him, and when he finds out it is the day I talk him off a cliff. Not a real one, but you know what I mean. Suicide. I am thirteen and I don’t understand because thirteen is not the age people decide to kill themselves yet. It doesn’t matter that I don’t understand; he turns to me for comfort. This is where I am positive it started.

He says he is falling for me. It is over text because those kinds of things no one can say in person. I read the words one, two, three times, stare at them hard until words become blurry and they seem like a whole new language. He’s falling for me he’s falling for me he’s falling for me. Me me me. I smile so hard it hurts.

He comes over to my house. It is difficult to believe he’s really here. My mother and sister are out, and we watch movies. I’m having fun, we’re laughing and talking and I don’t know. I don’t know. He kisses me. I don’t know what to do. No one’s ever kissed me on the lips. My mother always kisses my cheek. My grandparents kiss my forehead. My father only ever hugs me. This is a kiss on the lips, like movies and books, and I can’t stop thinking it’s really happening. I’m thirteen and I’m being kissed. And I think everything is great.

Kisses began to bore him. We are on the floor. He is tickling me and now kissing me. They’re soft kisses without tongue (cause that’s gross) and then his hand is moving to my pants and rubbing the outside of my you-know-what. I pull back because this is weird and I don’t know I like it. I ask what is he doing and he looks at me like I am stupid. This is what all couples do, he says. Couples. He was my boyfriend now. I am his girlfriend. Like my dad and all his girlfriends.

It takes a few days of the boy who is fifteen trying to get his hand down my pants. He tries to look like he is not annoyed but I can feel it in the way he kisses me less gentle. My mother and everyone really like the boy who is fifteen. He’s polite and funny and handsome to them like he was to me. He is the same person, a voice tells myself. This is the same person. It’s hard to think of him as the same person when I finally stop trying to keep his hand away and let him touch my you-know-what. I guess I should call it vagina now. That’s what it is. But it doesn’t seem so long ago I was laughing with all my friends in class when the teachers were trying to explain puberty. I could hardly say those words without giggling, and now he is moving his fingers around my vagina, and it feels strange, and I make a weird noise, and he looks at me but doesn’t care, and I try to remind myself that this is my boyfriend and this is what couples do.