A Writer's Downfall.

To be Known.

The last two parts seem to kind of be all over the place. I mean, they are, they don't seem like it, they are. Last part was just me feeling frustrated in my love life honestly, but I think it's funny to look back on. This book is literally the mind of an eighteen-year-old girl, of course it is going to be everywhere. 

I like to think of myself as a rubix cube. All of the different colors being different thoughts and emotions, and it's my soulmate's job to be able to sit there and put it together. Not in a "I can fix you!" kind of way but more of an understanding way, like I said before, I want to be understood by someone. Now that I'm thinking about it, it doesn't even have to be in a love-interest kind of way, I just want to feel completely and deeply understood by someone, is that hard to understand? I'll give you an example.

A family has one single dog, the love this dog, and the dog loves them. When they went to the shelter to adopt this dog, they noticed how talkative it was, the dog whined and barked at it's playmates and even would do so towards the family. The family adopts this dog and the dog continues being mouth for a few months, and it's cute. However, over time the dog got quiet, not because it didn't love the family or appreciate them, but because the dog had no other dog that could understand it. A year or two goes by, and the family adopts another dog, they love this dog, and they bring it home to their original dog, immediately, they notice their original dog and this new dog start whining and barking at each other while running in circles outside, they noticed their original dog was talking to the other dog, and the other dog was talking back. The original dog finally had someone to talk to and play with, and it was over-joyed. 

Does that make sense? I hope it does, it's the only way I can put it. I want to feel over-joyed again. I want someone to fully and completely understand what I'm saying, what I'm thinking, how I feel about specific topics based on my body language, and for them to know how I will react in a situation that they haven't really seen me in before. I want someone to confidently know me. 

Not to make this sad, but when my dad died, I felt like that was it, like the only person who has ever truly known me died. I'm not saying that my mom doesn't know me, because she does, but she's always going to be a parent before a friend. My dad was my best friend, even though that can be seen as an unhealthy balance, he was my friend just as much as my dad, and he knew me. We were so similar, we had the same interest in shoes, we both loved writing and reading, we both loved sports, we loved all of the same things and could relate so much. I hope one day I can have that kind of bond with someone again, not in a weird way though, but the same kind of "I know you fully." Kind of bond, I'd like that.

I keep rambling on about what I want in a person, specifically a love interest. I can see it being annoying for you to read but I enjoy talking about it. 

I could list everything that I want in a relationship, but I think that list would be too long, not saying I have high expectations either, they're simple and small things. Like I want someone to read what I write and be willing to listen to every single poem I write, even if it's every single day. I'm pretty annoying about it but I'd love that so much. I'd also really want someone to come with me to my dad's grave one day, not in a weird "My dad's dead lets romanticize this moment" way either, but in a way of them being there for me. Every time I visit his grave, I bawl my eyes out, and I cannot explain how much a simple shoulder that care about me would help. I think that not only would I cry and grieve over my dad, but I'd cry out of appreciation of the person there. I would honestly feel baffled that someone would care that much to do that for me.  I don't think I'd ever ask someone though; I would let them ask me, because I mean, I think it'd be weird to ask someone; "Hey! want to come with me to my dad's grave and let me cry on you?" I wouldn't ask it in that way of course, but I don't know how else someone would take it other than that, I'd rather them ask me if they can be there for me when I go, and I'd say yes. 

I honestly think that if I bring someone to his grave, I will have to marry them. I don't think there's anything in this world that would heal me from the heart break I would feel if that person left me. It would destroy me, and I'm so scared of letting myself get hurt like that again. If I bring someone to see my dad, it'd be the equivalent to them meeting him if he were still alive, I would literally breakdown though. They would have to be able to handle all the happy stories, sad stories, and even the stories where I hated him. I would literally tell that person some of my deepest stories and bawl my eyes out, but I'd enjoy it, I would love it honestly. Especially if they sat there and listened deep enough to almost understand what I went through with his death, it'd feel really nice.

I miss my dad a lot.

I know this part is all over the place, like the others but I really do miss him. I miss being pissed off over him rushing me places and being all stressed out like dads are. I miss having a dad, and it sucks. It really does.

I remember one of the last times I kind of talked to my dad. I didn't say anything, but my mom did, and I was listening to the conversation telling her what to say since I was too mad to drop my ego and call him. Maybe if he would've heard my voice one last time, he would've lived a little longer, I don't know. I had her tell him about softball though, and my grades, and even how my writing was going. I was telling her to update him about me pretty much, and he started crying, begging her to tell me to call him. That hurt, a lot. I still think about it to this day, and I wish I would've called him. I miss him a lot, and maybe if I did, I would've remembered how his voice sounded for a little bit longer. 

That's one of the hardest things about losing someone you love, because not only do you lose them, over time you forget how their voice sounded. Then when you realize you did, it's too late. You feel like you're talking about someone you know so well, but also don't. It hurts, and I can't think of any other way to describe it. It's the hardest and saddest realization I ever had to come too. 

I love my dad, and who he was. Even though he sucked for the last few years of his life, I still loved, and love him. He was a good dad for some time, then he lost himself to addiction and his mind took over. 

I love you dad, you were my best friend time and time again, maybe one day you and I can have a sit down and I can tell you every single funny story I can think of dad. I love you.