My story

I can't remember much before seventh grade I have just finished ninth grade. I was always awkward and no one liked me much. in sixth grade one of my friends was kind of suicidal and I had talked out of all of her ideas.at the end of the year or during summer I had started self harming. it started when my sister yanked my headphones out of my ears because I wasn't listing and then I started yelling at her and then she punched me so I went after her , I had tried to go to the knives( I had thought of killing her and other people before)but instead she pushed me away from them so I went for a spatula and beat her to the ground and with then I had realized what I was doing so I ran to my room and started crying. I didn't even know what self harm was but I had found a piece of glass and started scratching my arm hard enough to draw blood and suddenly felt completely happy and calm, at peace after that I found out what self harm was and my mom and dad knew what I had done but didn't say anything.then I had to move schools from public to a learning disabilities private school because of how fucking stupid I am. during that year I had dated a boy and meet a friend who was a lesbian and I learned I was a lesbian and that I loved one of my other friends named Skye. god she was so beautiful and amazing she was cutting when I was still scratching and I had asked her out on thanksgiving break and when she said yes I was ecstatic happier than I had been in a while and I didn't self harm at all while I was with her.she was my first kiss. I think it was the end of my seventh grade year her either eighth or ninth when she moved to north or south Dakota. I was beyond devastated I couldn't stop crying but I had to put on a brave face so I did. when she moved we still stayed in contact but it wasn't the same.in the middle of eighth grad I had had enough of the bullying from the teachers at my school so I moved back to the school I was at before. and to say it was horrid would be an understatement. people always hugged me because of my dark clothes and because I had huge breasts. I was done with everything so I attempted suicide I don't know when my first attempt was I know it was in seventh grade but this was my tenth one and It landed me in the hospital I couldn't move or anything I had tried to OD but I didn't take enough I think or not enough time because my step father had found me and toke me straight to the hospital. when I got there everyone was asking me questions but I couldn't open my mouth my mom and dad and the rest of the family was called. I think my dad had got there first he was crying. I had only seen him cry once and that was at his dad's funeral but it would be one of the many more times I would see him cry.my mom had gotten In a wreck driving to the hospital but only got a tiny bruise. she was crying begging me to stay awake even though just sleeping wouldn't kill me. then the rest of the family arrived. My moms side grandma cried for the first time in front of me my stepdads side grandma didn't cry she just help my mom get me to drink the coal liquid thing that I was supposed to be drinking . they tried to make stuff funny for me but that didn't help much when the social worker told me I was going to a mental hospital called austin oaks witch was a terrible place. when my parents said I would get better and I acutely beloved them. when the person was showing me around so many girls where talking and laughing I just couldn't believe it. I had become delusional in the hospital I don't know why but I thought I was a real witch and my 'girlfriend' thought she was one two and we tried to 'stop' another girl who was one two because she was 'bad'(she was a bitch though).the whole week in there I only ate some crackers and cookies because I wouldn't eat any of the food they made they alway made crap and the staff was horrible with trying to help u find something to eat. after my week in there I got out and only two weeks out of it I cut myself again but it was actual cuts not just scraches and my dad noticed that I had a sweater one in 90 degree (Fahrenheit) weather and pulled up my selves and was asking me questions crying and yelling but I had already shut down and couldn't say anything or show emotions. my mom showed up a little later to my dad's house and when she came in my dad calmed down and was just passive aggressive and then I could return to myself again and then we came to a agreement that sense I wanted to attend my big sister graduation and it was in a week that the day after the graduation I would go to a diff mental hospital.when I got there I meet Ellie. Ellie was cut adorable and my princess she was all I could think of but we couldn't touch because of those damn rules. she had scars all over her stomach and I just wanted to kiss them away. we told each other that we like the other but we didn't start dating. we arrived on the same day and left the same day. we stashed there exactly 11 days. but when I got out i went to a long term hospital named merridel it was torture there I had a few friends but everyone one els I hated I understood they had there own problems but that didn't mean I had to like them. me and Ellie started dating over the phone. when my parents came to visit I could use my phone. I had to fake smile my way out of there and after 2 months in there I FINALY got out and was ok ish. I was still talking to Ellie but couldn't see her because she moved to Pennsylvania during those two months.i was getting better but then all hell broke loose meaning my feelings. Ellie had stopped texting or calling and I was devastated and even when I did text she would only reply very little.i was mad at myself and mad at her and feel back in to depression and started cutting. I was cutting on my thighs and couldn't stop. a lot of my cuts needed stitches but of course I couldn't tell and after 6 months of cutting I told my therapist then parents and that brings me to here where I am now after 8-9 months of being clean begging myself to cut to release everything and be free. I'm so close to doing it every night I think only of that and suicide but I can't commute suicide and hurt those around me so I am turning towards cutting. I wonder how long I can hold out till I break and make that.first .cut.