A life of lies.

My background

For a bit of context, I'm 19. A female. Bisexual. Agnostic and predominantly liberal. My nationalities are Metis and Danish. I was born in Sault St. Marie, Ontario. And if you know anything about it. No one moves there if they can help it. And no one stays if they can help it. I'm currently a youth outreach coordinator for a small indigenous non-profit organization. I was born to my parents out of a one night stand. Unfortunately, due to the large amount of trauma I've been through, there are large chunks of my story that even I'm unaware of at this time. However, I will attempt to recall the best I can and explain my life and experience as accurately as possible. The story goes, my mother did not want to go through with the pregnancy, and my father did. She reluctantly kept me and went through with it. This is where I'm not sure where the truth lays. My father says he wasn't there and that he didn't get to see me until months after. My mother says that he was there, and that's the only reason his name was on the papers. I don't know who to believe. But I do know I was in a custody battle between them until I was 3. Because of my mother's drug use, she missed the court dates and lost custody. I was then moved to Sudbury, Ontario. I spoke to her on the phone, received the odd present, and saw her on occasion, but nothing consistent. I spent most of my time with my great aunt and my babysitter, who had a couple of daughters I went to school with. Otherwise, I was in after-school programs or lessons. I was in gymnastics, karate, swimming, piano, and a choir. Around this time, I also had just gotten a new stepmother and a younger stepbrother.  When I was 6, that's when contact stopped with my mother. When I moved to Ottawa with my stepmother. My babysitter and her kids all moved with us. Which was something I wasn't aware of until I was told by my now stepmother now, the babysitter. I would also spend summers at my grandmother's in my hometown. And I met my now best friend in the summer of grade 5. About a year or so went by, and my father and stepmother split. She blamed me at the time, and I distinctly remember that. And I don't recall ever getting to say goodbye to my stepbrother, nor was I allowed to have contact with them after they left. I then we moved in shortly after that with the babysitter. My current stepmother. I had been friends with her youngest since grade 2, so it was a very easy adjustment. However, her oldest did not like me or my father at all. She also had a lot of behavioral issues of her own and relationship issues with her mother, but they got a lot worse when we moved in. So after a couple of months of her harassing me. She was sent to live with her grandparents. We then moved into a new apartment and moved schools again. My stepmother got cancer this year as well, which I didn't remember until she told me. My stepsister actually moved out as well at this point and moved in with her grandparents. I was the one taking care of my stepmother. Which I had no memory of. Shortly after my stepmother's recovery, my great grandmother died, and we moved back to my home town to be with my grandmother. I was going to Saint Maries Cathlic School because my cousin went there. But I only spent a year there as I was bullied and alienated for not believing. My dad left me there and took a trip to bc. For my last year of elementary school, I went to S. Geiger Public School. I also met my only other best friend at this school. She was the first person to teach me more about my native background. When my father came back, we settled in town for about another 2 years. I started high school at W.C. Eaket and was actually doing really well. It was at this point that my father started to develop the signs of alcoholism and I was starting to notice. He was always a rage driver, but when you added alcohol to the mix, I started to feel unsafe being in the car with him. And the more independent I became, the more our relationship suffered. We then moved back to sudbury in search of work for my father. I was originally staying with my grandmother. He had gotten a bachelor apartment for him and my stepmother. Looking back, I don't think he actually ever planned on upgrading like he was promising at that time. Until me and my grandmother both got fed up and said that starting grade 11, I would be there with him. Despite his very obvious distaste for the situation, he couldn't deny responsibility any longer. And so I moved schools again and started at Susbury Secondary School. I lived in a cott in the kitchen over the next 2 years and accosionally saw my step sister. She also moved to Sudbury shortly after. That's when my father started heavily smoking as well. And before he had, but he was never nearly as open about it. But now, I was old enough in his mind to see. He no longer hid it. That's when I started smoking with my step sister. That is also when I developed my ED'S. This is also when covid hit. Over the next year, I became increasingly depressed. I had my first boyfriend and just 9 months in. I told him I couldn't continue the long distance and that I couldn't even manage my own emotional regulation, let alone manage a relationship. I then started my last year in high school and started counseling. Which helped for the last 6 months. Until some more bullying occurred, and it pushed me past the edge, and I could no longer cope with everything going on at home and at school. I told my father blatantly. I have been having panic attacks at school every day, and the counseling is no longer helping. I'm either going to kill myself before graduation or I'm done school. So he signed the papers and I graduated early. I said goodbye to my counselor, volleyball coach, vocal, and instrumental coaches, and that's it. I also did not receive a prom or graduation since the second wave of covid was in full swing. My father then lost his job and was on the verge of being evicted. I, out of nowhere, got in contact with my mother. Who had just gotten out of jail. I had met with her a couple of times. She totally lovebombed me with money and gifts and compliments, and I had no other options, so I moved in with her. She also paid for me to go to college for event planning. It was all online because of covid. I wasn't aware of it at the time, but I lived in a full-on trap house. I knew my mother sold drugs. But she promised me she didn't do them and because my father kept me so sheltered because he didn't want me to experience the life my mother chose. I didn't know what to look for. I couldn't recognize when I saw it. I knew the signs of an alcoholic not an addict. So, as I found myself in yet another cycle of abuse, and was growing rather tired of it as I grew heavily dependant on weed and alcohol at this time and even had to drop out of college and start therapy because of my depression. Which was my ex's advice. I met my ex when I moved in. Who at the time was my mothers apprentice. It's not a great choice looking back, but you will soon understand why I made it. She was living in the upstairs apartment, and she was the closest person to me in the house and within my age range. I was 18, and she was 25. I also didn't know she was on drugs at the time as well. That's also when I had 2 other friends on the same drugs as well. The drug being meth. Don't ask my how I got through it sober for the most part. I couldn't tell you. My relationship with my mother became worse by the day. But my relationship with my ex only got better because of this fact. At the time, their relationship business wise was only suffering as well. For reasons I didn't fully grasp but I didn't know who to believe as I was being told many things. This was all within the span of 9 months. I also got a cat within this time from my friend. My mothers and my ex's relationship got so bad that she ended up getting kicked out. I was the only one who helped her pack as everyone else was afraid of my mother. After she left, we started speaking again slowly, and then I started hanging out with her in secret. I had told my mother I was with a friend I usually hung out with. Which I don't think she fully believed. One night, my friend attempted to blackmail me, saying she would tell the police of an incident that happened at my house and what my mother did for a living. She relapsed, and I found out later. But I called my mother and told her that I was lying. I was safe and who I was with, and what had happened. She hung up the phone and showed up with 2 men and a couple of guns. We quickly called 911, but just my luck, they broke into the wrong apartment at the end of a hallway with only 2 doors. They chose the wrong one, thankfully. The police came 2 hours later. By that time, my ex and I had officially been together for a week. Which she smartly told to me to keep quiet about. So we decided we knew she was going to come back, and I called my step sister and told her we needed a ride out of the city. She sent her boyfriend and a friend with 2 Honda civics, and we packed as much as we could. We went by my mother's house that night, and she had thrown all my stuff out on curb. I salvaged what I could, and when I attempted to go inside for the rest and my cat, she wouldn't let me inside. And it was the first time I'd ever laid hands on anyone. But I tried to fight my way past and didn't win. I regret not fighting harder for my baby every day. We left that night and started over in North Bay in the same building my sister was living in. I thought this was the end too. But it was just another cycle. As I quickly realized my ex was not all she had talked herself up to be. She did go sober for me. However, the issues were much deeper than just the addiction. And our relationship became very co-defendant and toxic. I didn't understand it at the time, but we were trauma bonded. And even though I tried everything to stay with her. She eventually broke up with me just under a year. It was a long and nasty break up as we had a cat together. She changed the lease, and I ended up having to live with her four months after the breakup due to housing shortages and financial inability. And then, even after I moved out, I let her come over to visit the cat once, and she assaulted me. So we have been no contact since. She has not reached out, nor has she apologized nor made amends, even though I sent an email of closure and forgiveness. Since then, I have been on my own. My father is still a liar. My mother is now in jail. My stepmother is still accepting the lies. My step sister is repeating the cycle and refuses to take accountability in our relationship. And I'm still fighting every day to stay happy, healthy, and sober. I have been sober from my DOC for a month. I have recently realized drinking isn't so fun, either. I am still a proud cat mom and hold a stable job. I go to therapy once a week. And life is hard but good. The fact that I'm no longer in abuse or accepting lies is what keeps me grateful. And I know any challenge or obstacle I could face is not worse than the ones I have traversed in the past. My goal right now is to go back to school for an SSW's degree. I hope you have enjoyed my little blip. Now that you understand my life events. Or at least the tip of the iceberg. Buckle down and get ready for some stories and lessons that may help you deal with your relationships. And help you not feel alone. Because I know at one point I never thought anyone could understand the level of loneliness I've felt. And although I still do feel that way at times. I now know it's not true.