ᴵ ᶜʳⁱᵉᵈ ʷⁱᵗʰ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵃᵇʸ ⁱⁿ ᵐʸ ᵃʳᵐˢ

Chapter 4

After 2 months*
Feeling sick. But idgf. I'm trying to be myself. I'm trying to workout more. I'm trying my best, but everything feels so hard going to the shower, hard waking up, it's hard to walk. But I'm doing it anyway I'm trying. I really am. I've been vomiting lots. And it's probably because I'm sick. I've been crying 2 weeks in a row. I sleep between 1 to 3 hours. My life is MESSED UP. I don't hang out with Keverly or Hevis. Keverly's sister Kess came to stay at their house for 1 week and after that I just wanted to be alone. I feel weird. And i know why. What happened was terrible and the only thing I wish right now is to come back to the day it happened there is thing's I would have done differently. Feels like it was just a nightmare and it didn't happen. I actually feel worse not only mentally but my health... it's worse. I wanna be the normal me but I can't because I feel like I changed so much. And why. Why did it happened. There is something I could have done differently and I would be me... I would still be me.. but I didn't and now I gotta live like that I hope soon I will be able to feel like myself again. I hope. I really do. There isn't a minute where I don't think about it. Even watching the TV doesn't feel the same. It feels weird. There is so much guilt I have for sitting in that car and driving there. I wish I've never done it. I wish I could travel in time and change it. I need a friend. I need a close close friend to help me forget what  happened. But when I'm around my best friend it feels..  OFF. it feels weird and I don't feel safe around her it's not like I'm scared of her that she will do something to me no of course not. I just feel like she doesnt understand me... I don't know. Its weird. I wish I had a person that went thru the same thing, because I feel like u can understand if u had gone thru the same thing. I love Keverly but i think she just doesn't get me. But now I think my sickness isn't just the mindset of mine. Maybe I'm really sick. I've been gaining weight, I have headaches, vomiting. I feel off. The phone started ringing. It's my mom. I miss Herr.
-hi mom how r u? How are things?
-good sweetheart everything is alright. How are u? How are you feeling?
-I'm better? But I've been really sick lately
-what are the symptoms?
- idk. Vomiting? Headache also I have been gaining some weight out of nothing.
-... sweetie. Uhm look let's go to the hospital tomorrow and get checked out okay? I'll go with ya.
-do I really need to tho? I think I'll be okay soon
-yes u need to.
-okay. Can u come to my house. I don't want to sleep alone? Please mom?
-why don't u come to my house?
-mom no. Please come to my house.. Pleaseee?
- ok coming.
My mom came to my house we watched 2 movies ate some popcorn and I finally felt a real mom and daughter bond it felt nice to have a caring mother once.
We went to sleep. And the next morning came pretty fast. We got ready and soon we were in the hospital. The doctor gave me a ultrasound and.. yes u probably already know what he said.
-well. Congratulations u are having a baby.
-what. Are u serious? Like 100%?
-yes. I'm sure.
-no. How? mom?
-doctor could I talk with u outside?
And my mother left with the doctor I was over-all SHOCKED. should I keep it?  This question was getting on my nerves but it was in my head.but really should I?. My mom and doctor came back and the doctor said.
-so since the situation is intense. I would have to ask if u want to keep the baby?
-yes. No. I mean. No? I don't know.
-i'll give u two some time.
- look my dear it's your choice I'm not gonna force you but... I think u should keep it. Ur gonna regret If u don't.
-I don't know mom. I don't. I have to think.
Now on the way out a girl yelled out my mom's name
-Julia? Is that u? Oh my God. JULIA.
-oh my God Vanessa. It's been so long
This Vanessa girl looked around my age. And I surely didn't know who she was but it seemed like she did knew me.
-And is that? Chelsea? Oh its been so long.
-mom who is she?
- oh she's um she is ur cousin. Vanessa.
-Cousin??? Didn't u say that they don't want anything to do with u?
-yes Chelsea and Vanessa's mother hated me. So she really couldn't reach out to us.
-hi. I know ur name because I just saw ur socials. Hi I'm Vanessa and I'm 23
-hi. I'm Chelsea as u know. And I'm 20
-oh Vanessa why are u in the hospital?
-i delivered a baby 6 hours ago. Now he is sleeping.
-oh Chelsea is here because she is pregnant we went into an ultrasound.
-oh how long far are u?
-um.. 2 months.
- cool. So u have a boyfriend? Or are u engaged or married?
-no Chelsea um she was. Raped
-Mom.
- oh I'm so sorry.
-it alright I don't know if I'm keeping this baby anyways.
-what?? Why?
-I don't know I've always wanted a baby but I feel like If I'll have the baby it will always remind me of the guy. And I'll hate the baby and I'll be a bad mum.
-uh Look it your choice and im sorry but you'll never forget it. Never. And the baby might actually help u to heal. Help u to get out more. The baby might make u laugh and actually forget it. But even if u won't keep it I'm gonna support u.
-thanks. What abt you? Do u have a fiancé or married?
-im married. My husband is with our little boy right now.
-cool.
-ok Chelsea's here is my number call me. And let me know what have u decided.
-okay, thanks.
-it was nice seeing u Vanessa
-u too aunt Julia. And Chelsea. And u little one.