my open diary

i hate myself

Tw: over thinking, mention of su*c*de

Hmmmm 🤔ᴴᴹᴹᴹ🤔ᴴᴹᴹᴹ where do I start, do I start about what happened today or why am I here?

Maybe......... Hmmmm...... Yeah I should start from what happened today or why am I sad

First of all I am sad because of overthinking and stress I have been stressed on school this week, wanna know why?

Because I am over thinking or not, but all I know is I am so sad I don't even know anymore. I am just done..........I guess.

I know many people go through more than I do now, but. I am an over thinker, I cannot go through a day without overthinking and even regretting all my decision

This why sometimes I just want to go through a secluded area and just scream my lungs out until I have no voice anymore. This hurts. My heart hurts.

I hate myself because I can't even cry for myself when I'm sad I always needs a thing to cry about, I cannot cry

If I don't have something to cry about. All I can do is be sad and do nothing with it. It hurts, It just really hurts, what do I do?

I overthink over the smallest thing like why did I spent my money on that if I can just spend it now?

I always regret it I even have trouble sleeping because of this, I'm a perfectionist and I hate the fact that I'm a perfectionist

Because it causes me to overthink it always keeps me up at night and it just makes me sad. And angry it myself because at the end of the day it will become all just be useless

Wanna know why? Because no matter how long you think about it, it already happened, what's done is done, you cannot change it

So this is why I hate it, in the morning when  I got to school I was so happy because my best friend is at school

I even got a chance to go to her house after school but........... Now I'm sad, maybe I'm sad because my happiness is already all used for today and it needs to be recharged for another day

I'm...... Always asking myself this..................

Why am I even born?...............

I don't know either

Did I already found a reason why I was born? ...........

Maybe yes, Maybe not

Did I miss it? ..............

I think I did

I......... Don't.....know

Do people usually overthink this?

I think............ The answer is....... No and yes

I mean why would they overthink such a thing? At the same time I think many people think about it

I don't think many people will understand this vent or rant of me because I think I can't even understand myself

My mind right now is a mess like the picture up

I wanna scream.  .. .. .. .. .  .  ... .

I once again wanna ask.......... .. .......

Do people hate me?

Yes, If not then why did I only have one friend, and if I do talk to them and say I wanna go with them and got there with them they will just ignore me, like am I invisible?

Am I annoying?

Yes of course you are, that is why you only have one friend idiot

Am I a burden to my family and friends?

Of course I am I'm pretty sure my parents regret having me

Am I an outcast?

Because I'm gonna be honest  I feel like it

Why is the world so cruel?

Maybe not for me but for other people out there, but it feels just like that to me

Do I even deserve to live?

No of course not your just a waste of space and air here on earth

WHY!!!  JUST WHY!!! I just wanna ask why?

I  still don't know why

God I don't wanna disrespect you but I am sure you  regret to have made me because  look at me

I really look pathetic right now, wailing my eyes out for no apparent reason

I just wanna disappear, like a bubble like I need never existed at all

If not then I will just k*ll myself when the times come

When the time comes

Just patiently waiting for it.

Sorry for this vent I just wanna let my feelings out and don't take personally pls you can hate myself all you like it's not like I care anymore, but I have an advice for people like me our there.

Go find a person or people who can help you and accept you for who you are, don't be like me who forcess herself to people who don't like her at all.

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