Wonderland

TWO

I calmly explained to my mother that I didn't want to celebrate my birthday. That I didn't want to do anything. Instead of asking me why, or respecting my decision with a simple acquiescent statement of, "Okay," she yelled and called me ungrateful while I stood there, listening.

My grandfather watched us as she yelled. Alice's husband. He'd lived with us instead of Alice. When he'd become too old to care for himself, Kate moved him into the house, and left Alice where she was. There were times when they both thought they could stop me from seeing Alice, but I snuck away.

Alice told me she'd met him on a voyage to Italy. He had been nice and sweet when they were young, until she told him the stories, and he called her insane. She would have ended it, but her mother was against it. It was then that Alice found out she was pregnant with my mother, and she knew that being a pregnant woman whilst alone in her time was not highly looked upon. So, she stayed with him.  

Even now, at ninety-four, he was still just as horrid. He'd tried to abuse Alice physically and verbally, but she never took it, over riding him with her own words and threats.

He was my least favourite person in the world.

My mother continued to yell.

She told me that just because Alice died, it didn't mean that I had to sulk and become depressed because it had been her time.

I almost laughed. Almost. Didn't she think I knew this? Was I that daft that I didn't know the difference between my ninety three year old grandmother apart from her younger self? Didn't she think I knew Alice's time was practically dancing on a tightrope above a black hole?

Didn't she know anything?

Of course she didn't. Because she only knew the difference between her Dolce & Gabbana and her Chanel. That was it. She had no love in this life, no light in her soul.  And that was what kept me at bay. She didn't spill with happiness, but with misery.

She was my mother and I loved her, but I couldn't deal with that. I knew that, eventually, Alice would go, so I spent as much time with her as possible.

Right now, I just hoped that she was in Wonderland, having tea and enjoying the peace. But somehow, I knew it was far from that. I knew that my hopes wouldn't be fulfilled as a bright blue butterfly waited patiently on my window when I crossed the threshold to my bedroom.

I let the window open and the butterfly fluttered in and landed on the length of my finger.

"Absolem?" I whispered and I began to think I'd gone mad. This was exactly what Alice thought when she'd tried to pinch herself and found herself very much awake and in the same place. The butterfly seemed to look me over as its wings fluttered. "It's time isn't it?" my voice was barely above a whisper.

The words left my lips on their own, spilling like an unstoppable force. The butterfly's wings fluttered for a second and then settled back on my finger. "Have I gone mad?" I found myself whispering, but of course, there was no way for him to respond.

Before I could register, its wings fluttered once more and it let itself out of the window. I followed it to the frame, watching the blue wings glow in the twilight. But I couldn't watch the beauty for long as a long, white van pulled up with tinted windows.

Have you ever recalled a feeling when something isn't sitting right—deep down in your stomach, and you think you might vomit with whatever is trying to fill itself up into you? It was how I felt at the moment.

I slowly backed away from the window as the doors began to open. I'd caught a sight of white clothing—probably drenched in bleach whilst washing—getting out of the van. I understood immediately: my mother was having me committed.