sapnap angst

chapter 1!!

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chapter 1

sapnap wasn't ok. and he didn't want anyone to know he wasn't. no one noticed how little he ate. no one noticed how he never wore t-shirts anymore. no one noticed he was in love with his best friend. not even sapnap himself. the problem was sapnap had 3 major fears. the fear of falling in love and the fear of losing his 2 best friends. he also had a fear of messing things up and disappointing people. he was a mess. a hot mess. sapnap couldn't fall in love. he desperately wanted to but he was scared. he wanted to go on those cute date nights where he would get picked up from his house and they would watch the stars together. he wished he could have gone to prom with his non existent high school sweetheart. sapnap had rarely ever seen a good relationship and when those good relationships ended people turned to alcohol and drugs. he never wanted to be those people. he didn't want to become what his dad and his previous best friend had become.

it was night and it was raining in florida. it rains a lot in florida. sapnap and dream had been living together for a while but it has only now just kicked in. he was here. with dream. his bestfriend. it was also scary. he didn't know why that thought suddenly kicked in now. why did it not do that the first week they were together? dream would see every little thing he does. what he eats. how he looks. how he moves and he was too afraid of messing up. his stress and anxiety was always high.

it had been the third night in a row where he hadn't gotten any sleep. this was normal for sapnap. but that didn't matter. it nevered mattered. it was only 11:30 at night but it felt so much later than that. i guess that's what happens when you barely sleep. he was up looking at the ceiling thinking about ways he could be better. better for dream, better for george, better for karl and better for his fans. it was a common thought but he was tired and wanted to sleep but he just couldn't. it was like his eyes were forcing him to stay awake. making him stay awake simply because they like to see him like this. he had enough of laying in his silk sheets and his blue blanket. his back was hurting and he wanted to see who else was up. sapnap went over to the office that was connected to his room. his office was cool, there were led lights and speakers. dream one time told him that he looked very handsome when the purple leds were on. (he does look very pretty with the purple lights.) he's always kept the purple on ever since that small comment. he walked to his monitor and turned it on to discord. unsurprisingly, dream and george were playing minecraft together. of course they were. it was always "dnf" and "omg it's the dream team" when they were referring to the two of them. sapnap was always the third wheel, every single time they all hung out with each other. it hurt. people on the internet have said that it would be better if sapanp wasn't there to ruin their moments. it's common sense not to listen to people on the internet but it always left sapnap thinking about how it would be better if he wasn't here. if he wasn't on earth at all.

sapnaps pov:

i joined the call and it was just dream flirting with george. they were also playing Minecraft too. people think it's just a bit but really it's not. they are constantly flirting. i know dream is in love with george. it's very obvious. "oh come here george" dream used his soft voice. the one he only uses for george. the one that always made george turn a bright shade of red. every time he uses it i get a small twinge of pain in my chest. it's fine i guess it doesn't really affect me other than that.  i was so used to this. i wish dream would talk to me like that. i wish he would use his soft voice for me. but he never will. it's for george and for george only. i was in the call for around 20 minutes just sitting there and listening. i never said anything but i wasn't exactly quiet either. they never noticed. no one notices anything anymore. and in some ways that was good. i wanted to speak, to say something but i didn't know what to say. i didn't want to make them mad. when i finally got the courage to say something all i was able to say was "hey guys"  dream was the first to respond. he usually is. he's also very observant but not when he's around his george.
d: "sapnap? i don't know u would be up this late. i thought you'd be asleep by now. you sleep more than george nowadays."
g: "cmon sapnap why'd you have to ruin this call. ughh. you're ruining mine and dreams call. we never get to spend time together but you two always do."
george has always disliked me. we didn't have the worst relationship but it wasn't the best either. he would always say stuff like this and dream would always be on his side. that's part of the reason to why things got this bad in the first place.
d: "george don't say that"
g: "it's what he does though. he just randomly joins our calls never even asking. he just wants attention don't give it to him dream. just ignore him"
d: "you're right george. he does always join our call when it's just the two of us."
s: "sorry i'll leave. goodbye i guess"

sapnaps pov:
i don't know why george was being so rude to me. he usually is but it was just so bad today. it doesn't matter anyways he was right. he's always right.

sapnap sunk into his navy blue blanket. the one dream got him when they met up. that was his favourite memory. he has always hated it when george said stuff like that. george always said he was joking but deep down sapnap knew he wasn't. and he hated that. he hated the fact that he always let george down. he tried so hard to be enough for george because he knew it meant so much to dream. and he would do anything for dream.

sapnap didn't sleep. he didn't even close his eyes. he spent hours thinking of all the things george has said to him and how they were true and how it would be better without him. how the world would function better if sapnap wasn't born. he was used to it tho. it was now 4 am and he was thirsty. he went to the kitchen for a glass of water. dream was there sitting in the gray couch that dream had insisted on getting even though it was as hard as a rock. he was on his phone. the phone that was to small for his hands. the phone sapnap had gotten him. dream didn't notice sapnap. sapnap wanted to be as quiet as possible partly because he didn't want to make dream mad and partly because he was on the phone with someone. he was on the phone with karl. karl was his other best friend. obviously not as close as dream and sapnap were but they were still pretty close. sapnap felt like he could tell karl almost anything.

d: "yeah sapnaps different man. it's not good he's been so mean and attention wanting. what do i do about it karl? he keeps interrupting george and i's calls and i don't see him anymore. he's always in his room ans whenever i see him he's just been gross."
k: "idk man it might just be the stress with youtube and twitch and everything that's been going on."
d: "what does he has to stress over? i've got a ton more followers and more hate then him. he doesn't know what it's like to be hated. i don't know why he's been acting like this but he has no reason too. people praise him all the time."
k: "i guess you're right man.  you do get more hate. you're bigger after all. just ignore him and he will notice. he surely will."