I think I don't deserve to heal or to be happy. Ever. Every time I fail something, it cancels all the progress I made. Every time I fail something, it makes the thoughts come back. The thoughts. I know you know them. You know what they mean. Thing is, I will never listen to them. But they don't shut up, and actually, I don't want them to go, because what would I do without them ? What would I do without knowing that disappearing is a comforting solution ? A solution that I would never come to terms with, because thing is
Hope is still here.
I would never give up, and maybe it's the most painful part. I don't want to give up. But sometimes it would feel so good to just ... simply not exist.
I want to throw up, I want to throw myself up and no one can understand me.
I am not alone. I have friends, family, even a boyfriend. But I can't talk to him. I tried to explain. But I know he doesn't get it. He acts like he does, but he does not and it makes me so angry, so I have given up. We don't have to understand each other, after all.
People exhaust me, with their useless advice. With their stupid knowledge, with their good grades. No one sees my tears. No one has even seen me at my worst. Good for them - I do not recommend. The tears that ran through my face, staining everything, my lessons, dripping on papers, how helpless I feel, how empty I am.
The things I write in my Notes app.
I wish I could tell someone how I feel, because I secretly want someone to finally worry about me for a good reason.
