for all time - michael jackson imagines 🩵

4 | always by your side 🐯 | dangerous era

a lil message before you begin to read: i wrote the following scenario to cope with a lot of emotions that i've been experiencing myself, including the feeling of loneliness in combination with physical pain. writing my deepest feelings down helped me find comfort and reminded me that there'll always be better times, no matter how trapped and alone you feel. so i hope that whoever reads this will feel the same type of comfort and find new optimism. you are not alone with anything and you're always loved. 🤍🪽🫧

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Dealing with the massive weight of loneliness and helplessness must be the most intimidating state one could find themselves in. You're constantly feeling like you're not good enough and afraid that you're disturbing the peace of those you love, believing it's the reason why they might not want to be in your presence anymore.

Where there used to be a ray of light and the feeling of belonging there's now a black hole which seems to erode all your faith and joy, tearing you apart on the inside until you're empty and almost numb.

You keep questioning if you've done anything wrong in the past; maybe you'd feel less alone today and people you love would still want to be around you if you reacted differently in certain situations.

Maybe I planted this seed of loneliness all by myself and watered it with my own mistakes. Maybe I'm destined to feel trapped in my own sorrow and self doubts. Maybe I don't deserve the company of those people in my life that I love and need the most. Only god knows, as for now I'm clueless what lead me to feeling this desperate.

With clothes that are pretty much soaked up with my own tears I'm laying on the bed of my apartment, missing my better half Michael more than ever - and the circumstance that I'm on my monthly period doesn't help neither.

I've reached a point where I've been crying for so many hours that I don't even exactly remember why I started crying in the first place. Is it because I'm missing my boyfriend so incredibly much? Or was it because I had a look in the mirror and felt so bloated and unattractive, mainly due to period side effects?

The loneliness also brought back fears of not being good enough in general and loosing everyone who means the world to me, like I did in the past.

I genuinely don't even know why I'm feeling this sad, might be the overload of both mental and physical agony whilst the cloudy weather enhances this emptiness. My heart is symbolically bleeding too.

Michael is currently finishing his last Dangerous World Tour dates after being on tour for more than a year. Luckily I was able to reside in some nearby hotels with him every now and then to spend at least a short amount of time with him but due to his tight schedules and also my own responsibilities it wasn't possible all the time.

Not seeing him for months became the norm, but I was fully aware of that when I agreed to begin a relationship with him and I knew it's always worth the wait because his love is pure bliss - and he always makes up for each single moment we haven't spent together too, being even more passionate the longer we hadn't seen one another.

My only accomplishment the past few days was to hold in my tears in the presence of others as to not lead anyone into worrying about me. I don't want anyone to see my suffering and there isn't really anything they can do about it in the first place.

Finally being on my own again and being able to cry openly almost feels like a relief, although I'd obviously rather be as joyful and optimistic as I am usually. In full desperation, I bury my head in my hands.

Unexpectedly, I hear a noise that sounds like a key unlocking the apartment's door, followed by a loud creaking sound of the door itself.

I start to panic: Could it be Michael? But that's nearly impossible, he isn't supposed to come back from tour until in 2 weeks! Whatever the case is, I can't let him see me in this disastrous state! He must be enormously exhausted from tour so I don't want the first thing he sees to be his girlfriend having an emotional crisis in the middle of her period.