yosuke is sad and gay over yu

yosugay

I guess I was pretty upset after Yu left.

If you count being "pretty upset" as looking through our old texts, reminiscing on our moments together constantly, and even digging through my room to find notes we passed to each other during class, then yeah, you could say that.

It's only been a week and a half, but it feels like he's been gone for forever.

Maybe I was a little bit more than just pretty upset, because everyone else seemed to pick up on my bad vibes.

I think Chie was the first to notice. It makes sense, because Yukiko was never really that observant, Kanji and Rise were still blinded by their own tears, Naoto probably doesn't care about me enough to want to help, and uh... Teddie... is Teddie.

It was a little bit weird to me, though, hearing Chie be so soft and hospitable. Especially to me. You know me.

"We understand. We all miss him," She said. "But it's not like he's gone. He's definitely going to come back some day."

Yeah. She's right. He's not gone, he just left for a bit.

That still didn't stop me from crying that night.

We all missed him, but I think I missed him significantly more. It's not a competition, but if it was, I would, like, totally win it.

I thought about that one afternoon we spent together by the riverbank. I realized something that day.

Something inside of me had... changed. Well, plenty of things had changed about me ever since Yu came into my life, but this one thing in particular struck me.

It was this... feeling. It wasn't a new one, but I only realized what kind of feelings they were just then. It's like how you can get a stain on your shirt and only notice it days later.

Maybe that was why my chest felt so heavy when I fully processed his absence.

Like... no more of his wacky personality that he played off as totally casual, no more oddly stylish poses in his everyday life, no more of his laugh, his eyes, the gentle look he gave me when he was listening to me ramble...

No more. No more of that stuff I had grown to know and love over the past year.

...Love. That was what I felt.

That was what made me stare out of my window that night, looking up at the night sky that was full of glistening stars. That was what made me lean into the cool breeze of the season we were pulled together, and that was what made me wonder if Yu was looking at the same stars, too.

He told me it was hard to see stars in the sky if you're in the city, because of light pollution or something like that. But still, I wondered if he found the blank sky just as mesmerizing as one full of light.

I remember how I held my own hand that night. Me and Yu obviously never held hands, we're just friends, so I found it a bit difficult trying to imitate the way he'd do it.

Eventually, I settled on a grip that was gentle, yet secure. It fit.

I closed my eyes, imagining that it really was him with me and that it was a funner time where he was still around. A time where adventure was around every corner, where we really saw the best and worst of each other, and still stuck together no matter what.

If only I had realized sooner, maybe this little scenario could have really happened. Maybe he could have been standing by my window with me, staring up at the stars.

Maybe I wouldn't have to kiss my own hand, pretending my skin was his lips.

Maybe I wouldn't have to deal with the feeling of my stomach dropping every time I walked into class and his seat was empty.

Maybe I wouldn't have to- no, I'd still miss him. But maybe I would feel just a little bit better if I had realized sooner and told him when I had the chance.

Sigh.

Yeah... I'm pretty upset about him leaving.