The thing was, Denki didn't want to die. He didn't want people to be sad that he was gone. He didn't want Shinsou to blame himself, or Bakugou to retreat back behind the wall he was just starting to come out from. He didn't want to be dead. He just wanted to be gone, to not exist.
He was laying in bed with Shinsou sprawled across him like he was simply part of the mattress. He didn't know how he had ended up under Shinsou, and he was losing feeling in his arm, but Shinsou looked so peaceful when he was sleeping. Denki couldn't be the one to ruin that.
So he lay, pinned down, fingers tapping a beat into the skin of his stomach which Shinsou wasn't covering, and let his mind wander. He thought about earlier, in the shower. His leg stung still, and he was worried about the cuts bleeding through, but the thought was muddled, not quite forming all the way. He thought about what would have happened if he had only been a little braver, had cut a little deeper, somewhere more fragile. Who would have found him. If Shinsou would have been the one, coming in to look for him because he was worried. If one of his other classmates would stumble across him, what they would do, if they would even care. His mind went back to Shinsou finding him, to the look on his face when he sees him on the floor, and he quickly reels his mind back in. He couldn't do that to him. He would never make Shinsou go though that.
He would have to find somewhere else to do it then.
The thought snapped him out of his spiral. What the fuck? He thought. Where did that come from? Denki knew he wasn't suicidal. He wouldn't kill himself, not really. He just wished, sometimes, that everything would stop. But then again, didn't everyone think that once in a while? Didn't everyone get that pit in their stomach when they thought about the future? The panic of knowing they were expected to live for 40, 60 more years? The overwhelming feeling of the unknown and ever present future weighed everyone down.
Before he could fall further into his thoughts, he felt movement. Shinsou was waking up. Denki panicked. He didn't know what to say, how to explain what was going on in his head. So he closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. With his eyes closed, he heard Shinsou huff a small laugh, probably when he realized where he had ended up. With tiny movement, Shinsou inched himself off Denki and back into the position they had fallen asleep in, with Denki on Shinsou's chest and Shinsou's arm wrapped around him. There were a few moments of silence and stillness, then Shinsou started smoothing Denkis hair back in a slow, steady rhythm. After a while of this, Shinsou placed a kiss on the top of Denkis head, then made to pull away, probably to go back to his room.
Denki grabbed his arm before he could slip away, his eyes flying open. Shinsou looked down at him in surprise.
"Did I wake you?"
His voice was rough with sleep, and Denki could hear the regret which went unsaid. Shinsou knew he had trouble sleeping too.
He shook his head, knowing if he said anything the floodgates would open. He didn't want to know what would come out. He just tried to pull Shinsou back down, tugging at his sleeve to get him to join him. Shinsou seemed like he was about to give in, when suddenly his eyes, which were made an even deeper purple by the led lights Denki had turned on, caught on something by Denki's leg. Or rather, something on Denki's leg. They both froze. His leg had bled through his pants.
Neither one of them said anything for a couple moments, air was rushing in Denki's ears, he was trying to find a way to explain, a way out, but everything was so loud and he couldn't breathe and he was shaking and he couldn't fucking breathe and-
-there was a hand on his back, slowly rubbing in small circles. A gentle voice was talking to him, a voice that he loved, a voice that was safe.
"You're ok Denks, I love you, I'm not mad, it's ok, I'm here, you're ok," the voice - Shinsou's voice - kept telling him. Over and over, it let him know that he was loved and safe.
Denki took a shuddering breath in, and looked up at Shinsou. He was afraid of what he would find there. Anger? Pity? But when he looked at him, all he could see was love, and worry. Shinsou's hand continued to rub his back as Denki breathed, taking slow breaths to calm his racing heart. Eventually, he averted his eyes and asked the question that was hanging over his head.
"Do we need to talk about this?"
For a minute he was worried that Shinsou was going to play dumb, but then he sighed and looked away, up at where his band posters lined the wall.
"I'm not going to make you talk about anything you don't want to Denks. If you are ready to talk, we will. If not, we won't. I do ask that you let me at least look so I can take care of them though."
Denki thought about it, then nodded his acceptance. He pulled off his sweatpants, leaving him in just an oversized hoodie. After that was done, he moved to sit on the edge of the bed. Any passing thoughts about being so exposed passed. Nothing could be more vulnerable than what he was allowing Shinsou to do. Besides, Shinsou had seen it all before.
Besides a small inhale, Shinsou made no comment about the state of his thigh. He had grabbed the first aid kit while Denki was talking off his pants, and so now he knelt in front of Denki on the floor, took out antiseptic and bandages, and got to work.
The silence was deafening.
"Well, at least you get to practice your first aid skills!" Denki tried to joke, forcing a small laugh. The look Shinsou sent him made his laughter trail off astonishingly quick.
"I'm not going to make you talk if you don't want to, but please don't joke about this. I know it's how you cope, but please Denks, don't joke about this."
Denki could only nod. Fuck, he just kept fucking everything up. He tried to help make Shinsou feel better but it just made him feel so much worse. He really was useless.
Shinsou looked up at him for a while longer, then turned back to his work, saying, "I'm not going to make you talk, but I would like to if that's ok?" Denki managed a small nod, and Shinsou continued. "I don't know why you started again, and I don't need to know. I don't need to know why you didn't tell me, I know you must have had your reasons, and I'm not upset. I am worried, because I love you, but I am not angry with you. I will love you no matter what you do. I don't need to know anything. You don't have to say anything. I just need you to know that."
Denki managed another small nod, and Shinsou nodded back, then placed a delicate kiss over the bandages he had just placed.
"I won't make you promise anything, but the next time you feel that itch, you can come to me. I can't promise I will be perfect, but I will be there in a heartbeat."
Denki nodded again, and Shinsou stood and got Denki a pair of basketball shorts from his dresser. Denki slipped them on, then pulled Shinsou down on the bed with him. Shinsou took his time pulling him onto his chest and making sure they were both comfortable. Once they were settled, his gave a content hum, and they both drifted off back to sleep, safe in eachothers arms
