Today, I tell myself, today is going to be a good day. I'm not going to let anything spoil it. I'm going to see One Direction perform tomorrow. It's going to be amazing. And I'm going with my best friend Lacey. Nothing can go wrong. I say to myself as I run out of my house and jump in Lacey's car. She turns to me with a huge grin on her face.
"Ready to go?" she asks.
"Are you kidding me?!" I say, "I was born ready for this."
She starts the car and we start our drive to our hotel that we will be staying at. Lacey has been my best friend ever since we both lost our best friend Angela. She understands how I feel and we support each other. She also made me a Directioner. Being a Directioner has made me a happier person. I have been depressed and the scars on my wrists and my hips are evidence of that. I was confused and didn't know what else to do. I'm ashamed of my scars and I try my best to hide them. I'm still depressed but I shove it deep into my stone still heart. I wear a mask of happiness all the time. Ever since my parents split up I've been depressed and I got worse after my best friend Angela committed suicide. I've gotten a little better over the years but my depression is still underneath it all like a forever flowing river of darkness. It's gotten better since I finished school. It's my gap year and Lacey and I are here like we planned a few years back. I'm glad we came here. A clean slate with new people and places. And we're more independent now. It's fun living here in England. We both wish we had British accents and both miserably fail at them when we attempt to speak in them. We wouldn't ever shut up if we could do British accents.
We pull up to the hotel and I go to get out of the car when Lacey stops me, "Wait, I have to show you something."
"What?" I say. She pulls out two backstage passes for the concert and I gap at her. "Are you shittin' me?!?" I say.
She laughs, "No."
"OH MY GOD! I'm gonna scream! I'm so excited! This is going to be great!!" I take my pass and get out of the car. We go inside and check in and go up to our room. The sun is just starting to set and we have a pretty view from our window.
"Hey Lacey, I'm going to go for a walk," I say.
"Okay," she says.
I throw on my coat and favorite beanie and leave. I fish inside my pocket for my phone and pull it out. I turn it off and shove it back in my coat pocket. I want to be alone. As I walk outside and breath the fresh air I can feel my mask sliding away. I sigh and feel my mask disappear and leave my face bare and vulnerable. I can feel it coming on. One of those times when I just cried and I didn't even know why. Those times when I needed to be alone. Those times when I missed Ang most and missed being happy. I don't even know the meaning of the word anymore. The sun has disappeared behind the horizon now and the moon is out. It's full tonight. I feel like the moon sometimes not in the physical sense but symbolically. I'm surrounded by so many stars, and yet I feel so alone. Because I'm different than those stars. I'm not a burning ball of light, I may seem bright but that is only the reflection from the sun; in reality I'm barren and dark. No soul left inside. My soul left when my mother did and my heart left when I lost Angela. I'm just a broken excuse of a person. Tears start to fall down my face as I walk. I'm not even paying attention as to where I'm going. The voice inside my head keeps going, making me feel worse and making me cry more. My mom left me, I lost my fiends and I lost myself. I still don't know who I am! And I wish I could have said something to Angela; I wish I could have persuaded her not to do it, or if I couldn't..I wanted to at least get a goodbye... Hot tears stream down my face and when I look up, that's when I see it. The famous London Eye. I look around and realize that I had been walking through a park. There was a perfect view of the Eye from the park. It looks gorgeous. I walk over to a bench and sit down, wiping the tears from my cheeks. I lay down on the bench with an sigh. Watching the Eye I imagine myself on the very top of it. I imagine the beautiful view. I imagine flinging myself off of it. I imagine the suspended moment as my feet leave it like when you jump from the platform of a zip line. I close my eyes and tears fall down my face. Suddenly I hear footsteps. Not wanting anyone, not even a stranger, see me crying I turn over on the park bench and bite my lip to keep from crying too loud. As the footsteps get closer I bite my lip harder but just as the footsteps get about 5 feet away from me a whimper escapes my lips. I squeeze my eyes shut and press my lips together, breathing in and out through my nose. I'm so focused on keeping myself quiet that I'm not sure whether the person stopped or just kept walking. I lay there tears silently falling down over my nose and shivers racking my body from the tensing of my muscles in an attempt to keep still.
