Clean mess | Gal Gadot

Chapter 6: Heaven is my hell

Victoria's pov:

There is no way to describe how I feel. I can hear my fast heartbeat. I can't even tell if it's my heartbeat or some imaginary music I play in my head.

Nothing seems real. I feel like this is just a dream. I don't get it though. I shouldn't be complaining. I had sex with the most gorgeous woman, my eyes ever laid their sight on.

But I feel empty. I'm like a dead body with a dumb soul that didn't know I died.

I feel like I felt when I tried to push myself off a building.

Everybody said it was complicated. But for me?

It was so simple: I felt empty.

People would force me to talk to them. 'How do you feel?', 'Why'd you do it?', 'Talk to me', 'I'm here for you'.

And I responded! But none of them were actually listening.

I did not feel a thing. I was fucking empty.

I was disappointed in myself and the world for not being a nice buddy. I wanted the universe to help me, to guide me through my fucked up hours, but I felt alone and sad, even though there was people around me. I would glance at them, have derealizations. I tried to be playful and chill to fit in, to make them think that I'm a normal human being. I tried to enjoy every spoiled minute around people I thought I liked. I used to be furious, because of it. I was raging, because I had no respect for myself. And when I got a chance to fix stuff, I didn't use it, so it doesn't matter anymore.

I was so fake, I actually started believing in this lovely life. I could act so well that I literally forgot it's just a show. Or was it? Or was I just a dumb girl in a dumb time and a dumb reality?

Just like I am now.

I open my eyes to the view of Gal, peacefully sleeping on the bed. The sun is peeking through the blinds. She looks angelic, when the light lays on her skin.

I finally get to chance to actually see the room I was making out in the previous day. It's cosy.

Everything's white and clean. There are few big plants in interesting pots. Gal and I are laying on a king-sized bed with deep black sheets. Ooh, the contrast.

Last night, she was the top, of course. To be honest, I liked being the bottom, the submissive...

It felt good to be taken care of.

When it came to Ivo, mostly I'd be the one on the top. He was always fucking tired and wanted the pleasure. So I'd do it. I'd always suck his fucking dick.

The sex with Gal was much different, which was surprising. Not because it was a woman, but because it was just- better. I actually felt relieved and relaxed after.

It was like when somebody throws a rock into the water. When it flies, everything's happening so fast and rapid. You feel like a living thunderstorm. But once the rock hits the water, it slowly goes down and down until it hits the bottom of the ocean and rest there 'til the end.

I'm the rock. The sex was like the thunderstorm. And when I came, I hit the water and looked at life from a dreamy perspective.

Since I'm actually a human and not a rock, I feel like I'm suffocating now.

So slowly, I'm starting to be dead. I'm running out of the oxygen in my lungs and ponderously start entering heaven.

Because my life is so fucking angelic and perfect that now, heaven is my hell.

"Hi, pretty" Gal pulls me out of my thoughts

She stares into my eyes and tries to read my face.