Sabotage

Mom

The past
28th November

"Lewis, I'm home!" My Mom's voice rings through the house. Why is she so loud? I stare at the ceiling unable to move and unable to make any kind of noise.

Mateo was right, that stuff is strong.

"Lewis!" I hear her before I feel her hands grab my face. She taps my cheek gently, "What did you take?" She asks but his voice sounds far away. My vision doubles as I stare at her unblinkingly. I'm such a disappointment. I am not deserving of a mom like him.

"Come on, Son....talk to me." She urges before putting my head on her lap. She places two fingers under my jaw to check my pulse, then,she pulls out a little flashlight and shines the light into my eyes. "For Christ's sake," She mumbles to himself before turning it off.

"You're not going to like this but we're going to take an ice-cold bath," She says as she picks me up with somewhat of a struggle.

My body feels weighed down and light at the same time. Everything feels like it's in slow motion yet staticky. We stop moving for a moment before I feel myself being lowered into what I'm guessing is the bathtub. She rests my head on the edge of the tub gently, as if not to hurt me. After a moment, the water turns on. The coldness of the water sends a dangerous shock through my body and I gasp.

To keep me from jumping out of the tub, she holds my shoulders. "Stop! Let me go, please!" I shout as I try desperately to pry her hands off me. Given my current state, I fail miserably.

"This is for your good. I expect you to tell me exactly what you took before you can get out of here."

"Get the fuck off of me!" I shout angrily but she doesn't let up. You've been here too many times for her to give in to your tears. For several minutes straight, I scream and struggle to get out of the tub. Eventually, my skin gets used to the cold and my screams turn into sobs. She begins to run his fingers through my hair soothingly and reassuring me that she's not angry.

A lie that he tells me to make me feel better.

I wonder how she describes me to her coworkers. Does she tell them the truth, or does she paint me like an angel to keep himself from being judged? I guess I'll never know.

"I'm...sorry," I mumble softly with my head rested on my knees. She sighs before taking a seat on the ground and resting her back on the outside of the tub. The master bathroom is part of the reason my Mom chose this specific house. It's spacious and the bathtub is in the center of the room. Dad would have loved it.

"I worry Lewis. I know I say it a lot but it's true. When I see you, I don't see the light that use to be there anymore.I-... all I see is pain, but I can never get to the bottom of it. I asked for advice and most people told me that it's an episode that'll pass...truth be told, I'm afraid I'm afraid that one day-"

"Mom.. please," I speak up in objection to what I'm sure she was going to say.

"I need you to hear this. If you want to see a therapist or psychiatrist then I'll make it happen. Obviously, I'd want you to tell me what's wrong and how I can help but that might not be what you want...so, I'll support you in other ways. The drinking and the drugs aren't going to stop by themselves and I see that now...maybe I realized a little too late," Her voice shakes as he reaches over and grabs my hand.

I press my lips together and allow salty tears to escape down my face.

"I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I can't lose you......not after losing your Dad. You know. you're all I have left. Please, Lewis...promise me you'll get help. If...if not for me or yourself then...for your Dad. I can only imagine how her heart would break if anything ever happened to you... we love you," The pain in her voice sends an eerie shock through my body. I wish I could muster enough courage to tell you everything.