Pent-up-gone

Sharing Emotions

Let's start with the whole reason I wanted to create this. Who knows, this may be the only one I write.

The Problem:
I have a really hard time sharing my emotions and mood with other people.

I have nobody in my life I feel fully comfortable sharing my emotions with. This wasn't always the case, I have had a few anchors in the past, but I've effectively pushed them away. That's part of the reason why I've kept myself isolated too. Despite my bipolar and childhood trauma being a lot better than in the past, it still is a lot sometimes. But also though, I can get emotional over smaller things too, especially if I'm really emotionally attached to the person or reliant on the person/thing. I sadly feel like I can't really share ANY of my emotions with people, even at times positive ones. This is a problem because being in love has melted a lot of the emotional numbness and walls I spent a decade building, but I am now left with mounting emotions and pervasive thoughts that I can't get rid of. Sometimes it's easier than others, but sometimes like tonight I feel hopeless and alone, and don't know what to do. Some problems reach a point where crying doesn't even help.

The Emotions:
Alone, Guilt, and Hopeless

I think the most prevalent emotion is just desperate loneliness, even when I'm actively talking to people. Especially when I'm actively talking to people actually. I've dealt with depression and friends for a long time, so that alone isn't surprising. The inability to talk about what is plaguing me is what really hurts. In college I got a counselor which helped. In High School and College I had friends I trusted and could break down to. In the past I also felt comfortable sharing with my older sister sometimes. Now though I have literally no one. I don't have as many people in my life, and those I do I either don't trust or don't want to push away. It really makes me feel lonely though having conversations over and over again in my head, but incapable of bringing myself to say then out loud. This is especially true when I am talking to someone and am stuck in a mental imaginary conversation with them amidst my real discussion with them.

I also feel really guilty. I have a chronic guilt problem, but this in particular makes me feel especially guilty. I'm kind've screwed either way. I feel guilty if I don't share what I'm feeling and thinking with others, especially if it has to do with them, because I feel like I'm lying to them and myself, and that I'm not being transparent. I also hate feeling like I can't trust people, and feel bad that I've mentally labeled them as untrustworthy. Contrarily, I feel guilty if I do share my feelings because my negativity makes them feel worse too, and sometimes the feelings bring about a bunch of other feelings too. If I had the choice to be a positive but fake influence in people's lives or a negative but authentic, I'm not sure which I should choose.

Both of the above, along with other specific feelings, leave me feeling pretty hopeless. Even if I get a therapist or build trust in my relationships, the problem doesn't really go away. Because of my guilt, every solution is problematic, which leaves me unsure what kind of problem I should be. The answer I've always settled with is to not be involved in anyone's life more than necessary in order to burden them as little as possible, but that isn't possible anymore. I'm stuck being someone's burden and I don't know how to cope and hold back all my baggage's weight.

My Perspective:
I'm a problem.

I feel like in every relationship with others I have, I am a problem. Whether they admit it or not, because I'd understand why they would lie to me, my real self is just a problem and not worth dealing with. If I weren't distant and artificial, it wouldn't be worth anyone's time to interact with me. That's why I believe it's important for me to just shut up and suffer quietly. Nobody needs my negative noise pollution. My life goal is to be more helpful than hurtful. It's horribly selfish of me to waste other people's time and emotional well being in the pursuit of slightly helping my own mental health. And to be honest, a therapist can only deal with so much.

Others Perspectives:
Apathy and Insincerity

Let's be honest, most people don't care. My problems and well being only matters to a handful of people, even if I'm being overly optimistic. Most people I interact with could honestly care less, and to be fair, everyone is a bit selfish in that way.

This is a hard section to write, but I'll try to be honest with myself. Those I care about, and the one I care about most, probably would immediately give me an insincere answer. Not because they don't care, but because they don't want to hurt my feelings or my trust. Some might earnestly think they are being honest, but if they really self reflect they'd see they are not being entirely honest with themselves. The handful of people that say they care would possibly fall into a couple of categories. First, they'd be willing to listen to some feelings, at some times, but in reality would not be really open. Second, they'd listen and take things personally and allow it to destroy our relationship. I know this one is true, because it has happened quite a few times. Thirdly, they'd only be interested in talking about problems in order to give themselves a space to talk instead. Even the most selfless and honest person would not benefit from me talking about things.

Solutions:
This? Risk Conversations?

My immediate solution is just writing here. Sometimes just writing out the thoughts, even if no one reads them, is a good way of releasing the stress. It gives me a way of organizing the mental conversations I have over and over again, and a way to have it permanently expressed. Now I can feel a bit more comfortable not thinking about this problem now that it is written down and can be read later on without mental recitation. It also lets me reflect on how I am really feeling beyond just the thoughts I'm thinking. Self affirmations and grounding can be easier when focusing on the feelings rather than the problems.

I also could try to actually take a risk and have meaningful conversations with people, but it really is a big risk. I withhold things for a very rational reason, and my concerns of the outcomes are pretty likely. However if a safe space and prepared mutual understanding is in place, maybe the risk of losing people is less likely. Talking through problems really is the best way of resolving them, but it risks creating other problems, which is what I'm really afraid of. I'm going to try this also and see how it goes.