kimchay one shots

Will i be known and loved? by mrjeffslayss

Chay didn't plan on it becoming this bad.

It all started when Porsche left for the bartending job on an island that just so happened to have no signal and gave them no way of contacting each other. Chay knew that was utter bullshit of course, but he knew that whatever Porsche was off doing, it was probably for Chay, like everything else Porsche did. However, that knowledge didn't stop the deep, dull pain in Chay's chest, the all-consuming ache that made his chest tighten whenever the thought crossed his mind. He didn't want the money that mysteriously appeared in his usually empty bank account, he just wanted his big brother back.

The first time Chay cut himself was exactly two weeks after Porsche had left. He had found his father's switchblade buried under Porsches old and worn t-shirts that he had started stealing to wear to bed. His heart had raced when he wrapped his hand around the cool grip of the blade, almost beating out of his aching chest. He brought the cold metal up to his warm wrist and dragged the sharp edge along his smooth skin. Only deep enough to see the beginning of small beads of blood pearling at the surface. It had taken him two more cuts for him to come back to himself and realise what he had done, panic curling around his lungs. That didn't stop the relief it gave him though, the calm settling through him and filling the ever-growing hole in his chest. It was only temporary, of course, but it had taken a little while for the guilt to set in. He vowed to never do it again.

It was three days later when he felt his fingers itching to pick up his father's switchblade again, but he didn't want to taint the memory of his father with his loneliness,
so instead, he tore apart the bathroom cupboard looking for his brother's razors. Having finally found what he was looking for, Chay sat down on his unmade bed and removed the blades from the razor, and cut himself. Deeper this time, fat ugly tears blurring his vision and streaming down his face.

Eventually, Porsche came back, after Tawan and Kim, Kim that's a name he wishes he could forget, to pack Chay up and move him into the main family compound.

Everything goes downhill from there.

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Months of living in the compound have made Chay realize how perpetually alone he is. Porsche is always busy, either working as the newly appointed head of the minor family or he's stuck to Khun Kinn's side, giving him bedroom eyes that give the promise of more later. They only talk in passing, it's much more lonely than living by himself in his home, not in the cold, empty compound where his brother has found a home and a family in. His arm quickly becomes littered with more cuts and gashes, and when he runs out of room there he moves to take his anger and frustrations out on his thighs, the burning pain acting as a soothing balm to the everlasting loneliness. p'Khun is his only companion in the lonely halls of the compound, along with his guards, arm, and pol. They often spend their time holed up in p'Khun's rooms playing games and watching series. It helps soothe the ache in his chest, not completely, but it makes it bearable.

If P'khun notices his quietness or the unusually small smiles, he doesn't say anything, Chay silently thanks him for that.

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It's a Tuesday night when he decides to go to a club with his new friends, Chay thinks that drinking will drown out the thoughts telling him to do things to himself that he would never consider as an option, Porsche always told him that Chay was too good, too kind to even think of something like that, but Porsche had also told him to stay away from the lonely crowds who like to indulge in the sins of quick highs, but Porsche didn't seem to care much about Chay anymore so why should he listen.