in the heart of a child

I

❜  ⋮   𝕮HAPTER ONE ,,
eight years old and still angry..

     when I was a little girl I used to believe everyone lived in a bubble of their own. this wasn't the only thing I believed in. I believed in a lot of things, came up with a lot of observations and had drawn my own conclusions with such certainty that whenever the things I believed in tipped as a warning to my then mind that I was slipping from Allah (SWT)¹, I panicked and rushed and cried because I believed I was being disobedient to Allah (SWT) in a way and it crushed my heart to know that He was not happy with me (I upset Him. Back then the upset and sadness was always linked to a disappointment that I had let someone down) or that I would be questioned on the day of judgement and I would fail.

     and even at that age, even without knowing the full implications of the day of Qiyamah², in my little heart and soul I knew. I just knew it. And I loved Allah (SWT). I loved Him so fiercely and truly with all my heart that I wanted to fight whoever so much as disagreed or complained or even those few atheists who claimed there was no god and I was so angry because I knew that they did not deserve the love that Allah (SWT) had for them.

     i had believed that because i heard once of a story of an idol worshipper who used to worship an idol named Sanam. He sat up calling the name "Ya Sanam" all night, and towards the dawn he started getting drowsy and so he mistakenly took one of the Glorious Names of Allah, "Ya Samad." Allah (SWT) immediately turned His attention and asked, "What do you want My servant?" The angels said in astonishment, "O Allah, this is an idol worshipper and only took Your Name in forgetfulness." Allah -The Most Merciful said, "This person calls on these idols all night and they don't answer him. What difference is there between Me and the idols if I don't answer him either."

     and I hated how they couldn't see, couldn't understand the love that Allah (SWT) had for them. And even at that age, even without understanding fully in my mind, I understood in my heart, in my fierce little eight year old heart, that Allah (SWT) was Al-Hakeem. The Wise. The Most Just of Judges. The All-knowing, the Merciful, that Allah didn't just do anything without a powerful wisdom behind it.

     I could've argued with any atheist had I come across them at that age, told them that yes, there was hardship, yes people died everyday of cancer and children died and babies and wars raged and yes what they all said was valid but let me ask them this one question; If Allah (SWT) made this world perfect, what was the point of the Akhirah³ then?

     What was the point of a day of judgment and a paradise if the Ard⁴, the earth that we walked upon today, wasn't filled with all of this? What was the point of a test? And had the atheist asked me if God loved us, why'd He make us suffer I would've blanked because I was eight and I still didn't know what suffering was and I would've been upset and angry at myself for stopping because I knew that the atheist would think they won because I stopped and I knew, i knew that I didn't stop because of them.

     I knew they didn't win and it upset me that they believed they had. I stopped because I was eight and I wanted to think before saying something wrong and I didn't want to give them something wrong because I was angry and wanted to wipe the smirk off their face. And if you ask me now, years later but my heart still eight years old and angry, I would've given you an answer.

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( wc 768)

so this is a rough draft but i figured that
id rather publish something than not
publish anything at all. i personally do
not like this version and I'm planning
on rewriting it because i believe it has potential.
do stick around for the next chapter.
it's a whole lot better than this one.
there's an index provided for any
non-muslim reading this.
thank youu

INDEX
¹(SWT): Subhanallahu Wa Ta'ala ,, The Most Glorified, the Most High (honorific for God)

²Qiyamah: Judgement day

³Akhirah: Afterlife in heaven and hell

⁴Ard: Arabic word for Earth, land, ground