In Love with the Bad Boy

Waking Up

I don't remember the accident but I remember waking up and seeing her. Her eyes, a brown so dark it almost felt as if she could see into my soul. See right through the lies that were the only thing keeping me from insanity. I knew that if I kept lying to myself it would only create more damage but it was a risk that I was prepared to take. In that moment I would have done anything to prevent the truth. She looked so innocent just lying there on the pale white floor. Her bruise on her head was bleeding and I just stood there. I knew that I should have moved to help her but a part of me knew that it was too late. She was already gone. I felt tears spring from my eyes and trickle down my face. I tried to move but Instead I felt arms circle around me, pulling me away from her. I didn't resist them, Instead, I focused all my energy on her. I took one last glance before black spots covered my vision, forcing my eyes closed and she was ripped from my sight. I knew in that moment that she was dead and it was all my fault.

I woke with a startle, my palms were sweaty and cold. My head felt dizzy as I rested it on the window of the taxi. Suddenly the warm leather seat felt small and cramped. I turned to look out the window and was faced with a long stretch of trees and green. That is what I had missed most, the scenery of South Carolina. It was comforting and peaceful, much different from New York. The city just felt like a maze to me and I wanted out. I was sent there to live with my grandparents in their skyscraper apartment for a few weeks after the funeral. I guess they thought that they were helping me to "recover" or something but they should have known that this is not something that someone typically recovers from, they just push it too the back of their mind before it spills out again.

However those weeks did not come round slowly enough and I knew that it was time to return home to my dull and slightly pathetic life whereby I act invisible and hope that in the time I was away they would have forgotten about what I did. I also promised my little brother Jack that I would visit him as his birthday is fast approaching and if I missed it I would just be compiling myself with more guilt and that is exactly not what I need right now. And I hadn't seen my best friend Rosie since before summer. It felt strange not having her around for sleepovers on Saturday nights so we could eat ice-cream and she could fantasise about boys that I had no desire to meet. I smiled as I thought about her. I couldn't wait to see her again, even if that meant that I had to go back to the hell hole called school.

I used to love freshman year, I had a wide group of friends, I went to dance practise and slowly became one of the best dancers in the school. I had a boyfriend who loved me. But I guess it wasn't enough, as a kid I had always dreamed of becoming popular so I made sure that I got there, it took a lot of effort and I thought that at the end I would be happy but I was wrong. After that everything went down hill in my life and looking back, there was so many things I'd done that I regret. For one, I had tried so hard to fit in and make my life look perfect, when I knew that it wasn't in anyway. Nobody's is. I put people down because of their appearance when I should have been focusing on mine. I wasn't happy with what I had become but I wasn't prepared for it to change so quickly. 

I was cliff diving a few months before summer started. I had heard that everyone was doing it and my freinds forced me to anyway. I was a confident swimmer so I didn't really mind. But when I hit the water, I landed at a funny angle and my ankle smashed against the rocks. I was told by our local doctor that my leg was broken and I couldn't dance for at least a couple of months until it healed.

I tried to persuade the girls to let me dance again because I had worked too hard to miss championships, but they said that I had to rest. Between that time, a new girl named Emily started at our school. Apparently she was reigning champion and she easily took my place. I went back when I was healed but they said that they didn't need me any more. I was devastated. I couldn't understand how this one girl could take everything away from me in such a short space of time. I went to Matt's house later that day to drop off his sweater that he left at my house, but when I got there I found him with Emily. Not only had I just lost my dance captain spot on a team that I had given and lost everything for but I just found out that my so called boyfriend had been cheating on me.