Red Roses in the Shed- Niall Horan Fanfic

Chapter Two- Grief

A tear finally escaped my eye and trickled down my cheek. I don't let myself cry in public, it shows weakness for not being able to hold on to this grieving that tormented my insides.

I rushed to the small sink in the corner of the shed and stared at my reflection in the cracked, rusty mirror and gasped. They had pinned my hair up in that messy, half in, half out bun that all the 'populars' wear. I was wearing so much make up I looked like a clown. I grabbed the packet out of the bag and ended up using almost all the wipes just to get the majority of the stuff off. How much money do these people have to actually spend on something that hides your true beauty? I'm not a stunner, but I wouldn't say I was ugly. My chestnut hair ended at the middle of my back. I found my brush at the bottom of my bag and raked it through my hair that had been matted by the wind.

Sat back down on one of the old red cushions and started scrabbling in my bag for a bar of milk chocolate. Chocolate made me so happy, I don't know why, it just did. I always found that everything was always slightly better when I had something sweet to snack on, I know it's not the best food for me but I just loved the taste. I started breaking pieces off and placing them in my mouth, feeling the warm chocolate melt in my mouth and I already began to feel slightly better. I could still feel the make up on my face, it was not yet completely wiped off and it felt kind of strange making my skin stiff. It was so annoying I almost jumped up to attempt to get rid of it all but knew it would be no use. They had put so much on that I feared it would take a couple of days worth of rough scrubbings to get rid of the substance comletely and I knew from the way my skin felt that it was going to make my face red and stingfully painful and I just couldn't deal with that at that moment in time so I leant back into the soft old sofa and closed my eyes, beginning to think, attempting to clear my mind from today's dreadful events. How I wish Blaze was here right now, we would play our old games and make blanket fonts with all the old junk we left here for when we were to visit and- No. I must not think about him, I must not think about Blaze. He is gone, he's somewhere else now and there's no turning back. Blaze will not be coming back and now is the time I need to stop imagining and move on. Yes, that is what I will do... move on. I began to think of ways I could do this, I needed to find ways to forget him and forget our childhood together, forget our friendship and our amazing afternoons playing games and chatting for hours without a care in the world. I didn't want to forget. They were the best times of my life and I was convinced they would always be. Boys are not interested in me, I'm not popular or pretty or even that inteligent, I'm just average, just an average sixteen year old girl with no real friends that no one is ever interested in. I guess that is why I still think of Blaze, because that's exactly what I am missing now he's gone... real friendship, I wondered if I would ever find it again, I didn't believe I would.

What am I going to do without him? What am I going to do without him? The words circled around my mind over and over again bringing back that horrific grieving feeling I continually tried to banish from my mind but couldn't. Oh, what am I going to do without him?

I didn't believe this grieving was ever going to stop, how could it when he was all I ever had, the only friend that had ever given me so much friendship and time that he could have surely had no time left for himself. Not many people find their true best friend, not everyone finds someone who would stick by them through anything. Some people believe they have this friendship but in reality they don't because their friendship has never actually been put to the test.

I felt stupid, even after all this time I still think about him every day, unable to stop myself. It annoyed me, everytime he popped into my head I got annoyed at myself very quickly as I couldn't believe my weakness. I was weak and I knew it, I was unable to control my thoughts and my mind soon began to take control of itself making me feel hopeless and empty inside. Why is life so hard?

The fact is that life is hard and it's hard for everyone at least once in their life but what bothered me so much was why it always affecetd the nicest and most innocent people that had the hardest lives? But I knew the answer in an instant. It is because the nicest people are the ones that have been through hard times and been taught from them the hard way, they know the real difference between right and wrong, happiness and sadness and most have known depression. If you haven't known depression you wouldn't really understand the hardness of the world. It is one thing to watch someone go through it but another to actually go through it yourself... people don't exaggerate when they talk about depression, if not they underestimate it, it really is one of the most horrible feelings and it is almost impossible to hide and 100% impossible to forget, the feeling may fade but it will never leave you forever. It's that one thing that you remember that reminds you to live life to the full and try to never regret. It is not something you can get rid off quickly, it is something you have to fight against, meaning you have to learn to fight against a part of you, isolating it and burring it away from your fogged up mind. But once the 'fog' gets thick it is difficult to take back and reviving yourself begins to become a living nightmare.

Fortunately, I am not depressed anymore, just sometimes when it is late at night I feel that way and I still feel my grief for Blaze and I still feel the pain as I struggle to sleep at night.

I forced myself back into reality and realised I had been biting through my chocolate bar at a rapid speed, I didn't even know I could eat that quickly. As I swallowed the last piece of melted chocolate Blaze began to dissolve from my mind and I soon began aware of light footprints outside.

I soon began to worry, people never came here. It could just be a fox or a bird? It could even be the wind swishing or the leaves dropping from the oak trees but as the sound got louder I began to wonder if the owner of the shed was nearby, it was the only thing it could be, no one else ever came here. I decided quickly that I should hide, I couldn't let anybody know I was in here and so I gently tip toed across the creaking floorboards to the small scapyard in the corner where I hid behind a large old door; peering around the corner when I heard someone turn the door knob. I hid my face from view.

There was a series of creaks as whoever it was moved around the room. The fear I had that it was a vagrant coming into my peaceful place growing by the second. After about ten minutes I was just about ready to go out of my hiding place and tell whoever it was to piss off but just at that moment the noises stopped and I began to relax.

I left it a few minutes before finally crawling away from the old pile of corrugated metal, collecting my belongings and walking steadily home to the warmth.