Lost at Sea

Chapter I

I remember looking across the street at her window, and then I thought, there's my best friend. Now, I look across the street, and I see the aura of the death that was caused by none other than my aching, miserable, self. Maybe a part of me helped her, because I wish I had the guts to be where she is. But I have no guts. That's the only reason why I'm still here, roaming the earth, with my scars flashing every stranger with thoughts. What the fuck? What's wrong with him? Why is he hurting himself? As if it was any of their business.

The cutting gets worse by the week. My therapist thinks I do it to not think about things, but that's far strayed away from true. I cut because I deserve it. If it weren't for me, Sophia would still be alive. She was such a beautiful being. Her long black-faded-to-lilac hair was art in itself, along with the rest of her flouncing figure. She had been depressed since 8th grade because her father used to beat her mother. When her mother left him, the beating started to transport to her. She felt like a substitute to her mother. As if she was second best... or worst in this matter. She used to cut as well, but it was worse than me at the time. I wasn't as emotionally derailed as she was. I was just depressed about a cousin who swallowed 40 pills of Xanex. She fell asleep and never woke up. To this day, I never did find out why, which is what bothered me.

Sophia's death is and was a tragic mess. For me and for her. My mom has these pills, I forgot the name of it, but it has the same effect as marijuana. She had asked me for them, for obvious reasons. She wanted to die. At the time, I felt envious that she had the guts to do it. And so I helped her. And now she's gone.

Sophia's face was heart-shaped, with a perfect cute, but subtle crack on her chin. Her eyes were a beautiful green. They glistened like an emerald in a wedding ring. Her lips were plump like a tulip, and they always wore a beautiful soft, feminine, pink color. I hadn't realized until recently, but I loved her. And she's gone. And it was all my fault.