Ps: this chapter may jump from one timeline to another, people might hate it, I try to visualize Apo's shattered mind.
TW: self-harming, blood, attempt suicide
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The bedroom door was knocked as if it could be detached from the frame, the young man who bundled up under his blanket did not seem to notice, his eyes wide open stare into the distance in the dark room. The door knob was rattled a few times, the muffled sound of his older sister could not bring his heavy body to move.
“Po”, the tremble in her voice was evidence of the painful truth of slowly losing the younger’s smile. Apo’s eyes started to slowly lose his light ever since the events. The rejection he got from everyone that once loved him has eaten him alive. “Please open the door, I-”, he heard the older sister choking on her own breath. “Ma has told me everything. I’m here now. Don't- Don't you miss me”, she said softly through the door of the quiet room. Apo knew that his sister just came back from New York, his mother must have been calling her, forcing her to be back, she must be worried about his condition. Anna used to be Apo's weak spot, he would always open up to her but now he can’t even look at her face. How could she still accept him after what he did?
“I will break this door. Po”, she warned. “You worried us all now, let's talk. It will get better”, she coaxed him again. Apo shut his ears out, completely blocking all the noises out. His eyes closed as he shut down.
He had no idea of how long it had been since he had ignored her; it was only when light entered the room through an open door that he suddenly realized what had happened. In fact, she damaged the door latch. At the edge of his bed, her slow, deliberate steps halt. The sound of her wet sobbing could be heard as she muttered devastatingly, "Apo," It gave him even more reason to despise himself.
While she is seated by his side, the bed begins to sag. She lies down silently and cradles his head “Cry”, she simply said, that's all it takes for Apo to let go of himself. He was sobbing so hard that he nearly ran out of breath, like a dam broke down forcefully. His hands instinctively hug his sister's little body, he tightens his hold on his sister's waist.
She merely hummed a lullaby, minute after she voiced out, "Follow me to New York. Let's start anew", between tears she whispered. He doesn't want to live a new life but one thing he knows, it was best that he leave everything behind. He must let go of his love because this is the price. Until the day of his death, he will continue to punish himself.
***
The journey to New York was a blur, his body felt like a vessel that moved without the control of the host. His body was too tired to comprehend the situations he is in right now. He knew that his sister was eyeing him with worry. The heat of their shoulder touching reminds him of the heat that he lost. Apo closed his eyes, trying to take a deep breath. He needed to be strong, he could not disappoint the hopeful eyes of his parents.
The apartment that his sister rented was not surprisingly small, the small room given to him was enough. He was left alone in the empty room while his sister rummaged through her stuff.
He must have lost in his thought again, when his sister walked into his room again “Po”, Anna called him, he looked at the identical hazel orbs that looked shining with unshed tears and worry. Her dainty fingers move along his face and hold the chin. “We need to clean this wound”, she said.
Wound. He almost forgot about that. The reason, the proof that the accident had happened and he is here, in New York. Trying to live a new life, while the other half was fighting for his life. He did not deserve this.
His train of thought was cut again by the sting in his jaw. The old bandage was replaced by a new one.
Soft finger tracing the wound on his arm, it almost heals, “It will not leave a scar”. Anna softly said, pleased that the wound healed nicely. Apo looked at the disgusting looking arm, he did not remember seeing it in the hospital or even in his own room in Thailand. Maybe the room was too dark for him to see anything. In the end, the days after he visited Mile's family was a blur.
