life update

yea.

tw beforehand as this is a major vent that includes some heavy cursing, brief mentions of sewerslide, depression, homophobia, transphobia, and just overall talk of a shitty person doing shitty stuff.

so, without further ado...

my dad is an asshole who completely lost his shit when i confronted him about eating my leftovers and asked why he can't respect to not eat them. it's a long story but long story short he tried to turn me confronting him about what i mentioned into something worse by making it seem like i am ungrateful for the shit he and my mom provide, we got into a big argument where i was really just trying to fucking defend myself. i got mad, and ended up flipping him off which crossed a line for him so he took away my driving privileges so i had to find rides to work tomorrow and saturday and whatever other day i have plans to go somewhere. luckily school is just over so i don't have to find drives for that but yeah.

i am losing my mind having to be stuck in this house after this incident and have been losing my mind anyway because my dad is an ass who can't control his anger and is super controlling, manipulative, transphobic and homophobic, etc. so i have been wanting to move out and in with my long term bf for a while now but just haven't cause of school and money (i only work weekends so i don't make a lot) and was kind of planning to this summer if i'd be able to. so because of this i need to get out because this is really fucking with my mental health.

i may not have enough money but my bf is gonna try to help me out as much as he can and i'd honestly much rather be struggling financially than continue to live with my dad, like he honestly makes me wanna die sometimes so i fear what i'd do if i have to stay here for too much longer, especially any more than a month.

so this incident is pushing me to actually move in with my bf even tho i am not ready at all in multiple ways. it's just very sudden but i need to get out. i hate being in a household where i am not respected and get called ungrateful and shit for basically just asking for respect. this shit has been going on for too long and i can't even try to stand up for myself anymore cause when i do this shit happens and then i have to burden others by asking for rides to work or wherever else i need to go. (also doesn't help that i only really have two people close to me who can drive).

so yeah that's why i will be on a hiatus because with this turn of events in me trying to get a car and move, i will not have time to write. also depends how all this shit goes cause my dad might lose his shit again if he realizes i'm going to move in with my bf. and even if it does all go well imma be hella stressed financially so idk if i'll even have motivation to write or anything like that for a bit. so yeah. just wanted to let you all know of the situation.

things were tolerable until today.
but now i just can't handle it. i'm so sick of this shit and need to get out or i will get severely depressed and probably suicidal. i am already depressed living at home too because of my dad's behaviors and the fact i am a closeted pansexual non-binary person (my dad and i have extremely different views, he's super conservative). moving is just the best option for my mental health rn, especially with this turn of behavior from my father. so yeah.

all this just because i wanted him to respect me by not eating (or at least asking before he did) the leftovers that are mine that he didn't pay for and had only been in the fridge for like a day and a half.

jesus fucking christ
what kind of person do you have to be to start getting mad at your child and calling them ungrateful and shit and literally inconveniencing their life by taking away their literal freedom (driving is like my fucking freedom cause it's the only way i can get anywhere feasibly, i used it to drive to school, work, friends houses, my bfs apartment, etc.) just because they were upset and wanted to know why you ate their leftovers?

i just
i still honestly can't believe this even fucking happened
like just... what the fuck honestly
it doesn't make any fucking sense

that's all now. imma try to sleep i haven't eaten in like 9 hours and i have a pounding headache.

i'll try to keep you all posted, if you want.

sorry again but just sometimes life throws huge curve balls at you and you have to take care of those more than indulging in your hobbies. this is just something i have to take action about so other parts of my life will unfortunately have to be put on hold for a while.

life is just too stressful and difficult rn that writing is sadly the last thing i'm worried about. hopefully y'all understand at least.