I'm not perfect.
I've stared at a void darker than any abyss or depth you've seen. I've seen the horrors and monstrosities that you'd cry just from the story of. I'm a victim, and I am alone, and I can't do anything right but that's not because of who I am. It's because of what you did.
Seventeen years.
That's how long I dealt with it. Beatings, lashings and penetrations that were against my will or desires. My parents that drenched me in their cruelty, and the people that surrounded me were all veiled in lies and shadows, pretending to be friends but they were all laughing at me the minute I leave.
Ten times.
That's how many times I tried. Tried to end it; my life. It isn't something I like talking about, but hell it's what happens to the worst of us, right? But, somehow, through the sorcery and witchcraft that life presents itself: I somehow managed to survive. Maybe not as mentally intact as I'd like to be.
Romantics?
Ha, that's a funny one. At least to the others, told me to take it as a joke. I felt truly happy, if it was only for a moment, I thought someone really did have some fraction of care about me and who I am but, apparently the guy that was interested in me was in it for the money. And hell, that hurt like shit. But they said I should just laugh about it.
Pretty fucked up, huh?
Yeah, and you might ask how I dealt with it, how I really stay here in this environment that spits acid at me and then cries from laughing at the fact that I could've died. It took a while, yeah, but eventually I found something. Something that took my mind off things. Where I can drift off into the magnificent breath of peace and feel at ease, if only for a moment.
That was music. I would stay back after school at the music room, the only person who cared for me in the world was the music teacher, he was incredibly talented and an excellent teacher at that. We would play music till the moon alarms us that it's time to go home.
He wasn't like anyone I've ever met in the past, he was really someone that cared for me. Saw me as a fucking human; and that's something that I have never felt in my life, and I'll never forget what he said. "If only they knew you could sing, better than anyone on this earth, you've gone through darkness darker than the blackest of black, and yet somehow you remain as light, your purity that is omnipresent. You have a gift, a gift I call determination"
Those were his last words. I remember them clearly because it was the night he got shot. when he stopped coming to classes, I was worried, but I told myself everything will be alright. Then I got home. The news came in right then and there, and I dropped my phone, it broke just like my mind did. And everything around me began to crumble.
You know, you were wrong,
I don't have the determination you'd like to see out of me. Because: These were my final moments too.
