The Girl Upstairs

Chapter One: In my mind

Everything looked black when I closed my eyes.. Everyone was saying they see this , they see that but I don't.. Why?? 

   I opened my eyes, staring at the board in the language class.. There was a question , If you wonder what it is then I would say " Memories what you see first when you close your eyes" 

This was the topic given as an essay..

All had their memories to remember and me just blank.. I felt numb. Honestly,  I was on pills.. Dont get me wrong I dont take drugs.. But just tranquilizers to keep me sane..

You can say that maybe they had something to do with my blank canvas inside… 

Suddenly a voice interrupted my thoughts , I turned to the left.. and saw my friend calling my name.. She looked interested in what I wrote but neither did she know it was blank.. 

She pulled it with the most excitement to get a dropped face seeing it.. She asked what is this?? And I said Sorry , I don't remember anything and I feel lost.. She patted my shoulder and said at least try.. 

I closed my eyes again wanting to get a happy memory but I see a girl standing in between a few people who are humiliating her.. 

Traumas can be one part that almost kills you..

You breathe a day is what makes you feel calm. The emotions aren't in control when the body starts its game. 

  

My chest felt stiffen and I lost the reason to hold back. Keeping the pen down harshly and to my luck the bell rang. I ran out of class with teary eyes. Holding the railing infront corridor. As I wasn't able to breathe panicking with my state more. My friend came running out behind she held my shoulders and made me face her. 

One thing I heard before I started to lose my consciousness was "Just Snap out of it". Then I hugged her tighter.  Our class was near the language staff room and teachers were there talking stuffs that needed to be done. And when the head of the department  saw me she ran towards me holding me from Poo ' s arms and brought me to a room that was labeled as ANTI HARASSMENT CELL . I wasn't calming down crying more and she took help of other teachers and made me lay on the bed. She caressed my chest slowly saying I can breathe and in her arms I did feel magic that my breathing was coming black to normal. Lying on that bed like that for 5 minutes she told my friends to stay with me for a bit longer. She headed out as she had her duties to be done as I was a bit relaxed than my previous situation. Poo and Nashi sat there with me speaking funny stuff to make me smile and of course I did give a genuine smile to them agreeing with the plans they were doing. Slowly I closed my eyes as I was tired from all the crying losing the vision more to darkness that resided within…

………………..

What is the one thing a human being would want if he is too stressed ?

A simple answer would be a rest.. Then yes, I thought of quitting everything going back to my cave of solitude..  I have been a self healer at times like this. 

Looking out of the window on my way back home,  Nashi had just gotten down at her stop and I resumed my journey with headphones on. Basically everyone loves to hear trending and happy music on a journey.. But me well, I just play a song that will make me more sad than I was before. Maybe being an INFP is something. These feelings are the ones who exaggerate certain emotions to high levels and make the heart feel tempted. And for me I enjoy that not because I am in low state, but I get my poetry mind activated there . 

 Wanna hear one?

"Life had its game,

Holding the heart through pain..

The day fades slowly,

Making me tempted to hold the time..

Sun felt lonely in Red,

Making me embrace that it held.. 

Clouds are birds of sky,

Appearing and fading for sometime..

You aren't lonely,

As I am here standing beside.. "

It felt better to let the words flow inside more than outside . I got off the bus at my stop and the Journey back home takes a 15 minutes walk. 

I crossed the highway and got on the footpath. Holding my phone as a mic , this is one specific thing I love to do as I don't care what people think about me . And start the music with headphones on , Like a karaoke. 

This has a specific language thing here as I hear Hindi one's if the time exceeds 5 :45pm. 

The scenery ahead is one of my most memorable moments to experience as the sky turns red or orange with clouds embedded at some spots to make a beautiful painting. 

  Sometimes I am into weird thoughts and it wont go. Have you guys ever felt like you're missing some people from your life who died years ago? Slowly as you move on with them ,

You feel emptiness in the soul. It feels as if all are fading and you alone have to face it. The world where our child's mind lived has been erased and a whole growing up concept has been updated. These things can make a person go insane if he or she is too much into feelings than the situation. Well it's not that I am provoking you guys to go deep but it's just a thought though. 

Now, I am at the end of the mud road which leads to my house. The first I see is my mother watching me as I take slow steps towards her. She takes my bag from my hold and makes me sit on the couch in the living room. She passed me a Grape juice, probably a local drink but it felt as if all my exhaustion had vanished. I moved into my room , Threw my phone on the bed and took a shower and dressed in some comfortable clothes. I took my " FREME" book out from the drawer and kept it on the table. 

Well " FREME " is what I call my diary. It has all my memories of the past but I dont go into it much as I get anxious but today I had something to write down in it.. 

   My mother had called me for some evening snacks and I just came back to my room after that. She told me to not get deeper with pain that is temporary , But Mom, how can I tell you that pain is like an addiction , A strong distraction where I can forget the past and feel the present.  Well I do have a habit that I am not proud of but do it. When I feel much disturbed I take a compass or a sharp object and do cuts in some places.The pain lasts for more than 1 hour if the cut is deep and I feel as if I am alive. This is about disturbed mind, then what about anger. If it gets into my head a lot then I just hit my hand on the wall till my anger comes down. It isn't the soft side as a girl to have a personality like this but do I care? 

I wrote down the things that disturbed me in my diary and kept it aside. Well the highlights are 

Anxiety attack 

Feelings of desperation 

Concepts of death

……………………

It will hurt , It will go,  just move on till you have gone far.