SEARCHING

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What do we do if the one we love the most keeps on running away? What do we do if the one we love the most is nowhere to be found? What do we do if the one we love for years has unloved us for good? Here I am staring at the buildings over buildings through the glass wall of my unit. With me is a glass of brandy on my left hand, the TV is on playing some sort of Hollywood motion that fills the room with a bit of noise. Yes, I am occupied about the only one person I considered who broke my heart. The only person who I thought would never leave me. I took a sip on the glass of brandy still staring outside, I thought of him. How is he then, what is he doing right now, does he think about me even in the slightest of the slight? After an hour of staring and thinking, I got up and checked my phone. Today is Saturday. I thought of going to bed but not, the again I thought that I have some things to take care of. The thought of going out to try my luck to find that person. Yes, I will find him. My optimistic side.

I put two pairs of jeans, two T-shirt and four underwear on my duffel bag. Grabbed a jacket and my travel kit for toiletries. Yes, I am going to the mountain city. I informed the office that I will not report on Monday. I checked my apartment, and everything seems fine, then I took the elevator to the parking lot. For a few minutes in the car, I stayed thinking if I will go or not. I was hesitant, I thought of going back and crawl on my bed instead but something on my mind says that What if today is your lucky day? What if? Yes, what ifs. I turned on the engine and minutes later I started my journey.

On the road of forever heavy traffic, I thought of him. I thought of him and the days that we are still together, the memories keep on playing on my head. For the past years, travelling for me is not to see places, not to unwind, not to experience new, not to see something new or whatever you want to do when you travel. Travelling for me has always been him, to find him. To find the person I lost for my own stupid mistake. In search for you.

I quickly visited at a convenience store to buy some cookies and a bottle of water, then continued to the long and winding road. I silently prayed that I would see him. For how many travels, for how many hopes, and how many prays that I will see him. Every time I embark on a journey, I am optimistic to see him. How many what ifs, and to how many failures and frustrations. What will he do if he will see me, will he hug me back when I hug him? Will he express how much he miss me as what I will? A lot of questions that are yet to be answered only when the time comes. I dismiss and focus on the road I am traversing.

I thought I was over him, but I was all wrong.