𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦, 𝘈𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺. // MATT STURNIOLO FANFIC

001. ☆: *.☽

𝒞𝒽𝒶𝓅𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝒪𝓃𝑒 🎀
ᴬ ᴹᵃᵗᵗ ˢᵗᵘʳⁿⁱᵒˡᵒ ᶠᵃⁿᶠⁱᶜ

[Avery's Journal]
This chapter I'm just letting Avery spill her thoughts n feelings in her journal...
Stay tuned ☆: *.☽

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
( Avery's Journal )

Friday
June 9th, 2023

D̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶D̶i̶a̶r̶y̶,̶

                   It's 8 a.m., and I think I only managed to close my eyes for 4 hours last night.
It's a bit funny how I thought I'd be complaining about how shitty I feel (physically), but today I  just don't feel anything. Actually, I haven't felt this bad since, well, you know. The fact he still shows up in my dreams tells me he's always been watching over me. Life is shit without him here, and all because of a fucking car accident.

    Anyways, I've promised this journal an endless amount of times that I'm either going to get my shit together or fix my sleep schedule, and I've had no luck fulfilling either. I think I'm just done making promises that I can't fulfill. Also, I'm worried that my parents think I'm going insane because I haven't called my mom back since Wednesday night, and it's Friday morning. I'll eventually break down and tell her about everything that went down between Adan and me. I guess I'm still working on the whole "opening up" thing when I'm going through shit myself.

       For a little backstory,
Adan and I have known each other since we were 12. So, a long fucking time. I met him right after I moved from Penn, Pittsburgh, to here, Los Angeles, California. Up until two months ago, he was my closest best friend. Him and I literally knew each other inside out. I know that Aspen and Alex are my ride or die's, but I seriously had never felt so close to someone the way I did with Adan. We would tell each other everything. I'm the only person he's let his guard down for. And we would have sleepovers so often that he'd forget which house he was living in. Several times, my mom would accidentally call him my own brother's name, Tyler.

We weren't always this close, but life's full of surprises. Hah. Ironically, yes, because I didn't know he was going to confess his feelings for me two weeks later. Of course, I wasn't going to put myself through what I've seen other people face when they tell the world they're dating their best friend. The shitty part is that when I told him I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, let alone risk a friendship as special as ours, he wouldn't even accept it. He even said he'd "give me time" to figure out if I liked him back. Like, what the fuck? He would call me in the middle of the night to let me know that he either misses me and just wants to be friends with me or that he feels betrayed by the choice I made. He just started becoming so distant. And he became so easily irritated with me all the time that he wouldn't even comfort me when I told him I fucking missed our connection.

            The fucked-up part is that he never really valued our friendship the way I did, even after he told me he had feelings for me. I don't think I experienced such loneliness the way I did when he wouldn't even call to check up on me. He was my person. It's crazy when you go from talking to someone every morning and every night to not talking at all. And when you do talk, you're both angry with each other and constantly arguing.
I like to believe I'm over the whole situation, but the only thing is that I'm still hurting over the fact that I'm still emotionally attached to him. It's not easy, and I'm trying to let go and forget all of the little things we used to do together that none of my friends would do with me.

    (Alright, I'm getting out of bed now.)