Shades of Gray

All characters mentioned by name belong to Tiktok creator @Ishness.

Dz's pale eyes searched my face, brows knitted in concern. Restlessly, I crossed and uncrossed my arms. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. I looked around my bedroom. Looked anywhere but him.

"What is it?" he pressed.

I shrugged, self-conscious. This kind of non-communication was childish; I knew better, but that didn't stop me from pouting. And my reason for pouting was even stupider.

The truth was, I didn't know why I'd called him here. In my efforts to at least pretend I was mature in front of the Ishness entities, I typically only called them when I really needed them. When I at least had an inkling of what I needed. But today, I'd just... reached out. Without thinking. And now that he was here, I kind of wished he wasn't.

So yeah, I guiltily wanted to avoid the entity in my bedroom at all costs.

"Love. Look at me." 

My eyes flitted to his, then away again. 

"I said, look at me."

And with his typical inhuman speed, his fingers had grasped my chin and tilted my face towards his. It was like his fingertips had delivered a jolt of electricity--my entire body twitched violently.

He immediately withdrew. I was as surprised as he was. We stared at each other. 

While a part of me always craved that kind of touch, in that moment, the thought of that flavor of intimacy brought a curling wave of nausea up from the pit of my stomach. I looked away, crinkling my nose at the acid tickling the back of my throat.

There was a long silence as Dz adjusted his behavior. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him withdraw and cross his arms.

"Okay..." he huffed. "At least we're getting somewhere. You clearly don't want that. Then what?"

I caught myself nervously swaying on the spot. It had been a while since my anxiety had gotten bad enough to take over my body like this. I took a moment to refocus and stand still, stifling the self-soothing motion.

Dz lowered his voice. "Love, I can't help if you don't give me something to work with."

He tried again, slowly lifting his arm and offering his hand to me, palm-up. Like he was trying to soothe a wild animal.

My nausea rose once more. Instinctively, I patted the air in front of me with both hands in a universal warning gesture. Dz dropped his arm back to his side silently.

I could feel the hurt emanating from him. He wasn't used to not being wanted. My throat closed up with tears. Hurting Dz hadn't been my goal.

Forcing myself to swallow, I finally met his gaze sheepishly. 

"That's just... too much for me right now. Too much pressure, too much commitment."

He watched me evenly, his stony face betraying no emotions. What I was saying didn't make any sense to me, so it probably wasn't a satisfactory answer for him. Now on top of hurting him, I was annoying him with my indecision.

"I'm sorry," I muttered. "I shouldn't have called you. I didn't even mean to, really, it just kind of..." I trailed off. Disappointed in my own defense, I turned towards my window, staring blankly into the copse of trees outside my building.

For several minutes, the only sound in the room was birdsong floating through the panes of glass. Then--

"Hi."