Fairytales And Heartbreaks

Chapter 1: Dear Love, Letter never sent

Dear Love,

I love you. I love you so much. There's no end to it and nor can I gauge the beginning of it. With every tear that flows out of my eyes to every insult I have to go through, you seem to be always there. I love you and I m still finding the actual reason as to why, but trust me even after all these yeats, I am not able to pinpoint the exact reason as to why I love you.I wonder though, that how can one exercise so much control over a major part of one's life. And if so then why is it that you yourself never let anyone have that kind of control over you? And if it is possible to not let others control your actions wgy havent I been able to master that art? Why is it that somehow you seem to be always better than me? And yet the competitve me also takes pride In that fact? Over losing to you?

I miss you and I dont know why because for as long as I look back it seems I never even had you.

And yet, I still remember you. Every single time. With every tear that dribbles down my eye, every insult that i take, every pain I m inflicted with, every heartbreak that shatters me, you always happen to be the metaphorical yet paradoxical light at the end of the dark tunnel of sorrow and broken desires. Somehow just thinking about you or imagining you with me gives me so much comfort. You are solace to my disruption, heal to my wounds and yet, yet just not mine. Nor can you ever be mine.

What is it that has caused you and I to never meet?

And then why cant that cause also end these feelings in me too?

I have seen you, noticed you, imbibed every expression of yours out of that flawless face you have.

So thats why I know. I know it is not me that you love. I know that you dont believe in love. You are practical, materialistic, obnoxious and these are the worst qualities one can have in my view, yet you dont disgust me. All I feel when I see you or even when I dont see you, or just think about you, is that I love and all that will ever matter to me will be your happiness.

I cannot say wether love is selfless or selfish. All I know is that it is like zero In the point of determining odd and even function. Just as zero can be both odd and even function, I believe love too can be both selfish and selfless. I have come to the conclusion that both are but in the same glass with just changes in view points, one seen frm the above and the other frm the bottom of the glass called love.

They say love is a ray of hope, not a contest to give up or give in. Maybe this can never be proven more right than now.

I believe that through all the pain I have been through all the heartbreaks I had to take is because it was meant for it to be like it.

Like Khaled Hosseini rightly puts it in The Kite Runner " It wasnt meant to be, she said. Or, maybe, it was meant not to be."

Maybe just like that my love for you was meant just so that we cannot happen. We were not, not meant to be, we were just meant not to be. Maybe through all the wrongs I have done in my life He has chosen you as my punishment knowing very well you are what I hold dearest to me.

No, though. I dont regret falling for you. I dont know why but just that if I was given a choice, I would have gladly chosen to fall in love with you all over again. Yeah with a different ending maybe but its okay. Its okay. It would and will always be a privilege to get my heart broken by you.

So Its okay. It has to be okay. Beacuse at the end we all grow used to some things, I know I did to the fact that come what may you and I are parallels drawn never to meet.

You taught me how to love. I canr say my love was true or not coz I am of the belief that true love isn't true till its returned. But what I do know is that it was love.

Love which deludes words and realities and shatters but still holds me up together.

I cant say that I wont ever fall in love again coz heart is something out of a mere mortal's control, but I can say that I wont stop loving you ever.

I cant say that you are my life, but you are and will always be a part of it, a part reserved just for you.

I cant say that you are my heartbeat but you sure are the reason of it going erratic.

No. I don't blame you for anything. I forguve you because I cannot hold anything against you. Because trying to hate you is harder than loving you.

I love you. Plainly, bluntly, desperately and fiercely. Secretly and openly.

Its hard letting you go and I dont know if I will ever be able to do that. All I kniw is that for now, I need to you, and you are here. Safe, in my heart. I dont have to have you physically to love you, I have you in my heart forever and I know whatever you do, you in my heart will never leave me and will always be here. Right inside me.

So That whenever the breath heavies in my chest, whenever the eyes become less to store the tears, whenever the tide breaks in, I would always find you from that corner of my heart and conjuring up an image of you enveloping me in the warmth of my arms will make me okay.

That although I can never have what I imagine, the fact that you can be with me and there for me, even in my imagination is enough for me.

Maybe this is how my forever will be- like a dream, only in my case, in the literal sense.

Stay happy. That's all I really want even if it is on the cost of my heart and emotions, be happy. Chase your dreams. So that I can proudly claim that I love someone worth it.

I am proud of you. And I believe in you. A lot. I believe you can do anything that you want.

So go for what you want- anything and everything.

And maybe somehow our future paths will get entwined.

Maybe then your name will resonate with mine through our vocal chords, like it resonates through me mind and heart every night.
Till then.
Love
Me