To Love

01: Best Years

You've got a million reasons to hesitate
But darlin', the future's better than yesterday
I wasted so much time on people that reminded me of you
Gave you a million reasons to walk away
But I'll build a house out of the mess
And all the broken pieces
I'll make up for all of your tears
I'll give you the best years
———————

In high school, I was much simpler.
I'd float through the halls of my school, doing my absolute best to blend in.

Routine was my best friend, something that has never changed, but I think back to my teenage self often. She was so rigid, so controlled. There's a part of me that is jealous of her, and wishes she'd come back. Yet another part of me that hates that she ever existed.

I wasn't always that way though.

It only feels right to start from the beginning.
As I try to understand all the things that brought me to this cluster fuck, I realize, every single moment has led to this.

I met my boyfriend at the ripe age of 14.
Pre-AP geometry, how romantic.

I remember thinking when I saw him: Wow, he's fucking tall.
But none-the-less, he was perfect. He had curly blonde hair, soft green eyes, long curled eyelashes. I had always known him because of the fact that everyone knew him, the basketball player getting college offers in the god damn 9th grade.
But as soon as I truly began to know him I learned he was so much more. He was smart, and thoughtful and funny, I had never met anyone like him.
though, he was a stark contrast from me. I had terrible platinum, bleached hair accompanied by bright pink ombre tips, peak 2016 Pinterest style. I'd do thick winged eyeliner that screamed "I hate authority" in the least pleasing way. I had never played a sport my whole life, never even thought about it.
We were opposites.

Before him, I had spent so much time in school loosely caring. As an anxious person, you never fully let go, I always had at least one hand on the wheel, but I definitely enjoyed my extracurriculars...

I would run off with my sister, we would smoke every day after school. I would hang out with the rowdy boys and get into whatever trouble we could find. Getting myself in so many strange situations, it was harmless, but thrilling. I just didn't really see a reason to care, especially if I was still making good grades and making my parents proud.

But God, there was something about him. He was so calm, so collected and warm. He was a breath of fresh air, and all my 14 year old heart wanted was for him to be mine. No matter the cost.

I had went through flings back then. I had already experienced a lot as a young teen with guys. But those relationships never lasted more than 3 months. I didn't care for it to.

Somehow, by the age of 16, I had convinced him to like me back, and slowly we fell in whatever sort of love that a 16-year-old could fall in.
I remember thinking it felt so different.
I had told myself, when he was finally mine, just to take every day one at a time.

I had believed I was not nearly good enough for him. He was a perfect boy, he could do no wrong; nothing like the ball of trouble that I was. Suddenly by being beside him, I realize how far the apple had fell from the tree, and to be good enough for him, I couldn't continue to do all the things I once did. I had to earn this.
I was determined to make it work. This tall, simple minded boy.. he was special. He was nothing like the rest. And now that I had him, there was no way I was going to let it fail by hoping it wouldn't... or worse, by him realizing my biggest secret of all: that I could never be good enough for a guy like him.

I remember one crazy night, super high and a bit frazzled, I texted him that I was how anxious I was. I could tell he was disappointed in my choices and he made it very clear in one text.
I need to know if this is how you're going to be if I'm going to be with you