I Mean You- Jay Park (w/Chan-mi)

CHAPTER#4- Letting Go

It was the night of the showcase.  Jay kept checking his watch, wondering where Chan-mi was, hoping she wouldn't be late.  He was distracted when Eun Gyo was called to the stage.  He was surprised to see her dressed like a hip hop dancer, instead of a ballerina.  Jay was proud of his former girlfriend, as she danced her heart out. Out of the box, was an understatement.  The teachers knew it and so did the crowd.  Eun Gyo got a standing ovation.  She bowed and ran off stage with the guys who'd been her background dancers.  Jay gave her a bouquet of flowers and she gave him back his red baseball cap.  They embraced and he was forgiven instantly.  Their friends and classmates surrounded them, with congratulations.  Then Jay got a phone call.

Moving away from the noisy group, he answered the call, "Hello?"

"Hi, this is Chan-mi's mother.  She can't come to the showcase.... Oh God, I'm sorry, but she doesn't have much time left with us."

"Tell her I'm coming, just to hold on a little longer."  Jay hung up and looked back towards Eun Gyo.  His face spoke volumes.

"Let's go, whatever it is, I'm coming too!" Eun Gyo said.

They ran down the hall, out of the university and to his motorcycle. Helmets on and the bike was burning rubber, in their haste to get to the hospital in time.  They ran together into the hospital, searching for Chan-mi's room.  He saw the doctor who'd handled Chan-mi's case and stopped before him.

"I'm sorry, but your friend has passed away." The doctor told him and the girl.

Jay dropped to his knees, tears welling up in his eyes. "Can I see her?"  His voice choked up and he didn't care if Eun Gyo got mad.

They walked through the door that was opened for them by the doctor.  Jay saw Chan-mi's mother and then his friend. She looked like she was sleeping peacefully, but the machine was a flat line. The nurse turned it off.

"She let go, for all of us.  Chan-mi left you a letter and her journal.  I just wanted to thank you again for being her friend and letting her live life the way she wanted to. I'll contact you with the funeral details.  I've got to call the university now, please excuse me."

Eun Gyo realized she'd been jealous for nothing. She felt guilty for making Jay choose between a dying girl's friendship and her.  Knowing he needed some time alone, she went with the mother.  She'd tell the school about why Jay missed his performance.

Once he was alone with Chan-mi, he read the letter out loud:

Dear Jay,

Please don't cry or be mad that I lied to you.  I didn't want you to remember me this way; all weak and in pain.  Your friendship was the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.  The song 'Say Something' featuring Christina Aguilera by A Great Big World, pretty much says it all. Except just like with your lyrics, I made some changes.  In my journal, the last couple of pages is my version. See what you think.

Thank you for making me smile and laugh, for teaching me new hip hop moves and dancing with me. I will remember you, always in my heart.

Thank you, thank you friend.

Chan-mi

Tears ran down his face and dripped on to the bed.  "You didn't have to die alone. Why did you let go? Why this way?" Jay sobbed, his head on her lifeless hand.

He heard someone coming and quickly wiped the tears away.  Picking up the journal, he said his final good-bye.  "Dance for me in heaven."

Jay left the room as nurses came in.  He saw Eun Gyo, but didn't feel like talking.  For once she understood the look he gave her and said she'd call her mom to get a ride back to the university.  Also she'd tell the teacher in charge of the showcase, what had happened.  Later she texted him and explained that if he wanted to, Jay could dance in tomorrow's group of performances.  But they would understand if he didn't want to, he'd still graduate.

When he left, Jay had Chan-mi's journal tucked under his jacket and in his pants, so he wouldn't loose it.  He rode with no direction in mind and ended up on the street, where he'd first discovered who Chan-mi really was. He parked the motorcycle and standing under the street light by the store where it all began, Jay opened the journal.

Chan-mi wrote every thought, every feeling in that journal.  Through her words, he experience her shock about learning she had cancer.  She told of her struggles both about health, socially, school and finally family.  He knew her pain, when her father left. Slowly he discovered the person that she'd hid from everyone.  Jay eventually came to the parts about him. How she shyly watched him dance, how just his smile brightened her day.  Her fear and acceptance when he'd uncovered her secret.  It wasn't hard to see that she'd seen him as more than just a friend.  Maybe it was a crush or real love, or simply hope for the future. He smiled, as he re-lived the times of laughter and moments at the arcade.  

A phone call interrupted him.  "Hi mom, I'll be home soon."  Jay hung up and tucked the journal back in his jacket. He'd finish it at home.

Once at home, he told his family about Chan-mi passing away.  His mother hugged him.  

His dad said, "I'm proud of you son, for being her friend and helping her."

"It doesn't feel like it was enough Dad.  It hurts so much," Jay said huskily, fighting not to cry.  "I'm going to bed.  I love you guys."

"We love you son and your brother does too."

He nodded and then went to his room.  Opening his lap top he put in his ear buds and listened to the song 'Say Something', while checking what changes Chan-mi had made.  He realized that she was talking to him through the lyrics.  Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks, he sobbed into his pillow, until his dog Peatry came to offer comfort.

Jay changed into his pyjamas and lay on his bed. One arm over his dog, the other holding the journal.  His night table light remained on and he finished reading the journal.  In a way he was glad that she let him know her.  It was her last words to him, that made up his mind to dance at the showcase.

'Thank you for my first gift, my first dance, my first true friend and my first kiss from a boy.  Please dance for me, I'll be with you in spirit, for my last performance. Remember me smiling and laughing beside you. Friends forever, Chan-mi.'  

This time when he wrote lyrics in Korean he remembered her words of advice.  His song was for her and he'd freestyle it on stage, using her steps. He may have had to let her go in the physical sense, but this courageous friend would always dance in his heart.

Calling Eun Gyo he asked her if she'd wear black and mirror his moves for tomorrow's performance. She agreed, since even if she messed up, the focus would be on him. He'd practice with her as much as possible before the evening shows.  She also watched a video of Chan-mi dancing, off his phone. 

When he danced, that night, Jay dedicated his graduating performance to Chan-mi. Even though the spot light was on him, everyone could see that Eun Gyo was his shadow, that she was portraying Chan-mi dancing with him. He'd pre-recorded his song and it played as he danced for his friend.  After the section that they'd practiced together, Eun Gyo left stage using her ballerina leaps and Jay free-styled.  He left it all on the dance floor.  When he finished, few eyes were still dry.  Everyone stood, clapped and yelled.  

He bowed, straightened and looked up. He tapped his chest and pointed to the sky.  "That was for you Chan-mi, we danced together at the showcase, just like you wanted.  Rest in peace." Jay left the stage.