While my tv was on and my computer was again showing off its malfunctions, I looked out the window and could think of nothing but him.
It's hard to forget that time in the summer because I just regret what happened back then. "Back then" sounds like it's been years, but it's only been a few months since we tried to be together.
I haven't seen him in a week or more. All I see is him coming on and off MSN and not even sending me one message. I'm starting to wonder if it actually makes sense to think about it. I've stopped thinking about him lately but it's all coming back up now.
I think it's all because of my stupid almost ten-page ("double-sided") letter I handed him. On the last page I asked him not to contact me anymore. The problem is, the day I wrote that letter, I just wanted to get rid of the problem, tell him everything from my point of view, and then never have to have anything to do with it ever again.
I'm also very aware of that it's not good to solve your problems like this or to run away from them. The only mental illness I have to overcome is my fear. Being afraid of everything and everyone doesn't make life easy for you. I'm still shy about a lot of things, and being shy isn't everything. Being afraid of making mistakes isn't particularly abnormal either. But what's normal for me?
Nothing's normal for me or this is all relative anyway. It always depends on the viewer. I think like others. I look like others. I have different kind of fears like others.Am I really normal? Some think my name is beautiful, others like my style. I just find that everyone complains about me, what they don't like about me.
Example:
I'm always told that I should change.From one you'll hear I should be happier have more fun and actually be more like a chick. From the other side comes something like I'm not supposed to be so hyperactive, you're way too jittery, I want to go more in the direction of Gothic or punk, because that's actually like me.
When people also want to hear my honest opinion, then I really don't feel like it anymore. Always or in most cases in which I have stated my opinions, mostly everyone has said that I shouldn't have said it at all, because my opinions were simply too negative.
Then there are people like him, whom I told about my dilemma, he simply just said: "Stay the way you are". You can only go insane from this. I've been having so many nightmares lately and my dad has been saying I've never accepted myself. Then I ask myself how is something like this supposed to work?
In such a situation with people like that and a family like mine, you just can't think positively anymore. To be honest, I don't want to think positive anymore anyways.
What is there in the world other than love? Nothing. There is war everywhere, people are suffering, you are not allowed to eat anymore, but you have to be able to feed yourself somehow. All kinds of diseases everywhere, pollution in the sea, forest fires, so many natural disasters, I've stopped counting them.
