Meet me in the Middle

Chapter 18

'There's a house that's on fire, deep inside of my mind 
I've been stuck in the wreckage, I was taught I should hide 
There's an open window, smoke is getting high 
It's gonna tear me to pieces, being forced to decide 
Do I jump like a failure, let it burn me alive?' 
- Citizen Soldier, Let me let go 
(https://open.spotify.com/track/5PYcmUzHX1SZrM8YUGFs5m?si=bc7977e97788497d)

"Tell me what part of myself I need to lose next to keep my wife happy." I freeze outside the door of the clinic, just out of sight from the people inside. I hear yelling from a very angry Italian but have to strain to make out what was being said.

Although the words are muffled, I can hear that Carina's accent is thicker than usual, which means she was still hungover and probably functioning on the few hours of sleep she got while laying on my lap. I jump when I hear pounding on a table. "Cazzo! I hate being married to her!"

Carina's words reverberate through my bones, just like they bounce off the walls and silence the crowd inside. It shouldn't surprise me. She wasn't saying anything that she hadn't voiced last night. Showing up here was a colossal mistake. I was an impulsive decision to come here and clearly one I shouldn't have made.

Which leads me to search for an easy escape so no one would know I was ever here, but I turn too quickly to leave, and Dr. Bailey spots me. I use the box of food I picked up from the food fair a few blocks away, to gain control of my emotions and let my façade put on the act of a lifetime. I refused to let my ignorance cause Carina any more pain or embarrassment.

It took a lot of bribery and begging to get Beckett to divert our route in order for me to buy something at each stall that I knew Carina would like. I bought him a few bear claws as an apology for this morning too.

When I entered the station at the start of shift, the atmosphere in the kitchen got weird. Vic and Jack at least had the decency to look ashamed when Sullivan bragged about how great the celebrations were with the people who deserved to be a part of it. He was not impressed when his words did nothing to deter my path to the showers.

That followed with an earful from Beckett after he caught on to the lie about my supposed girls' night. He threatened to bench me because I went against doctor's orders, and I had no choice but to admit that I was with Carina last night. He could see I was in my head about it and told me that he was there for me when I was ready to talk.

Picking up something to eat for Carina and her friends in the mornings were so intertwined in my routine now, even after the events of last night it was all I could think of to try and bridge the gap between us, since apologizing didn't work.

The stop at the food fair was purely because I remembered their clinic was opening and I thought the female heroes could use some healthy and hearty snacks to get them through the day. I was planning on getting the whole team involved in some kind of celebration, but since Beckett was the only one at the station currently speaking to me, I had to rethink my idea.

Watching my hollowed-out body go through the motions while floating above it was new to me. It was strange, but not unpleasant. I've never felt so detached from my soul before and pretending that I was fine, didn't even feel like work anymore.

As I take in the modern layout of the clinic, I catch the vision of the most beautiful woman in the world, in reflection of the monitor screen overhead. The sight of her lips slams the memories of last night right back into my empty chest and I bite down on my trembling lips to keep from whimpering as the flashbacks assaulting my mind.

Sex has always been Carina's release. It's what she needed to get out of her own head or escape reality for a while. But we were always on the same level when that happened, and last night was the first time that she felt miles away.